I cut myself, I want you to love me

I don’t remember when was the first time I hurt myself, but I know I started doing in on a regular basis as a teenager, after a couple of harsh isolated episodes when I was around 12 or 13. I don’t know if I enjoyed being in pain, I just remember I was desperate for attention, but my efforts were always futile, so it turned into my own little private ritual to take out all of my anger on me. Yes, it sounds dumb. To take out on yourself the anger caused by the abuse donde to you in the first place. But when you feel your blood boiling with anger inside your veins and you know the blade will make it stop, sometimes you just don’t stop to think about the pros and cons of it.

However, cutting makes it better only for a very short time, and after that it makes it worse. The anger certainly stops, but as time goes by and I realize how pointless and stupid my actions are, I start to fall into a depression that’s almost handicapping at times, and its a fight uphill to be able to feel functional again.

The difference this time around is that I’m talking about it (not without some pressure from Mr. Shrinky). I told my partner, which was pretty hard, and I guess know I’m letting it out into the world, something I probably wouldn’t have done without meeting such brave and amazing people and their blogs here at WP. And now that I’ve done it, that I’ve shared it, it actually feels just a little bit better, almost as if I were exorcising at least one of my demons. If I could only not feel that kind of anger again… all that seems to help right know, besides this, is Proust, so I’ll leave this little piece of me right here and continue my reading.

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8 thoughts on “I cut myself, I want you to love me

  1. I think the more we talk about subjects like this, the better it is to not only let non-self harmers know that we’re not crazy; we’re just hurting and dealing in a different way, but to also find others that are struggling, too. I can promise you that writing it out helps :).

  2. Thanks! Yes, it’s amazing how things can be put on perspective when you write them out. It’s also comforting to suddenly meet people who are going through similar stuff, and that relate to you more than many of the ones you see face to face everyday. Thanks for the follow!

  3. Sometimes hurting one’s self is a way to remember we are real. I like this idea of writing it out as a healthier coping skill. You, your experiences, and all that happened – all real. And all moving toward healing.

    • I think it is helping, it’s just frustrating sometimes to realize healing is not a straight forward process, at least it is not the way I live it, I have stepbacks that make me relive pain and sometimes confuse into thinking things won’t get better.
      Thanks for your comment 🙂 I really liked your blog, it’s really meaningful.

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