Death-lines and facebook depression

I have to hand in the third chapter of the-thesis-that-must-not-be-named on Friday, and this is more of a death-line than a deadline, since I’m absolutely convinced the world will end if I don’t*. I’m missing about 8 pages, so that’s about 2 pages per day, doesn’t sound too bad right? When I put it like that it looks perfectly doable, and yet instead of working in on it I’m writing a post.

The fourth and first chapters are done, so when I hand this one in, I’ll only be missing the second one, which has about 30% of its contents written. My problem is not so much the quantity as much as the quality of the writing. I have such a big lack of confidence that I can’t tolerate the thought of putting my incompetence out there in a piece of paper for everyone to see and probably laugh at. And I’m honestly terrified of my dissertation, it’s crushing not only my confidence but my every goal and hope in life. I can’t shake off the feeling of the huge desapointment I’ll be for everyone and for myself if I never finish it and honestly, this is an option that’s starting to appear on the horizon, as opposed to the new paths and possibilities opened for people my age that are graduating. I’ve started seeing it all the time thanks to the wonders of Facebook: What’s-his-name from elementary school just got his degree and now is going to backpack through Europe, there’s the girl who always annoyed the shit out of me getting married and having perfect babies, and oh don’t forget the armies of former classmates going off to graduate school abroad.

My bottom line is Facebook sucks ass. And that’s the main reason why I’ve deserted it. I don’t need the constant reminders of what a failure I am and how my life is going nowhere. What’s worse is that facebooking has become some sort of obligation and people constantly pressure me into loging in and checking this or that, and when I don’t, for them it’s like I’ve stopped caring because I’ve missed a lot of the stuff that’s going on with them. In order to stop that, I’ve been logging once every other week and take some minutes to see what I’ve missed, that’s about all the facebook I can take right now and I do hope people stop taking it personally. Also, I just can’t deal right now with the I’m-always-so-happy image that most people put up in their profiles. I think when I’m done with this torture that my thesis is, maybe I’ll be able to go back to it for the things I enjoy about it, like the political expressions and being more in touch with the people I know, or the cat pictures! 😉

* I’d be so great if the world would end on the D-21st, I wouldn’t have to finish my thesis! 😀

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22 thoughts on “Death-lines and facebook depression

  1. Can so relate to that. I’m not even 23. But so many former classmates from Elementary School are already MARRIED. WTF. Thanks social media.
    And… sigh. I feel like I’m reading about my future – I always wanted to get a Phd… and I think I’d struggle the same way you do (which I’m not saying to offend you!!) Your thesis will turn out fine. You are talented! I’m sure of that. You are not a disappointment and no one will laugh at your dissertation.xxx

    • I agree, facebook manages to get quite a lot of WTF’s out of me too. Also, offense totally not taken, I’d be more than glad if my experience gave you a heads up. Thank you so very much for your support sweetie, it really means a lot. xxx

  2. I have always said that “Facebook has a really great way of making me feel like a huge bag of shit sometimes.” But then I realize, it’s not facebook that is making me feel that way, it is my own insecurities that that is making me feel like that.

    I completely get what you’re saying and I too sometimes need to take a “break” from it. There’s nothing wrong with that, and in fact, recognizing when you’re struggling too much already and making the conscious decision to avoid something that can be triggering, is being very strong and keeping YOU safe.

    You are what matters. I guarantee that you have friends on facebook that are idolizing your life and the amazing choices you have made for yourself (going to school, doing your thesis, motivated to make a great life for yourself, etc.).

  3. I removed everyone on my friends list and set “friend requests” to “friends of friends”. This was I could keep the page for my blog without the distraction of everything else.
    The thesis will be good. You can do it. Plus, once you’re finished, you never have to look at it again.

    • Thank you M, and you’re absolutely right, I probably won’t take a second look at “the thing” after I’ve presented it before a jury, at least not for a long, long time. As for facebook, I too cleaned out the closet not too long ago, but I think when I’m stronger to go back I’ll have to do it again. Thanks for your comment! xx

      • I think it’s common. I know a few people who can’t stand the thought of looking at their thesis again.
        I don’t know if I’ll ever go back to facebook. I kinda see it like the most trusted source for fake lives.

  4. Your last line there made me smile – that would solve everything, wouldn’t it? Including the Christmas debacle 🙂 Wish you the very best with your thesis, I can imagine it is stressful as all hell.

  5. No kidding. Facebook is a nightmare. I wish I had the strength to not have an active account. All it does is make my depression and struggle with mental-health worse. But it’s the only way some of my friends talk to anyone and I’m one of those people who holds onto memories (and people) purely for sentimental purposes. Sort of my version of hoarding, though it only takes up space in my mind.
    Maybe we’ll both find the strength eventually.
    Warm thoughts (and much thanks for the follow!) 🙂

    -Pen

      • Well thank you -blush-

        I always get so surprised by new followers. I think my blog is just this tiny lil’ thing no one reads. It’s nice to know I’m heard sometimes.

  6. True, true, true. I entirely agree with you. Another thing we have in common. Well, and another one is… this post reminds me of the period I was writing my thesis… same, same, same.

    • Really? It’s nice to meet here at WP people whom you can relate to and that you wouldn’t meet otherwise, isn’t it? And have you graduated since? I ask because this thesis is the only thing keeping me from doing so myself.

      • Yes, I graduated:) At some points in that period, I didn’t even care anymore if I was to graduate or not… I worked at my thesis, I cried for my thesis… I graduated with a not so good mark 🙂

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