New year, same debts.

It looks like it’s going to rain, and I hope it does. Rain has such a calming effect on me, and calm is exactly what I need right now. As much as I hate it, my vacations are over and I’m going back to work tomorrow, back to waking up before 6am and back to working 8 hours straight.

Back to normal life. And that includes back to Mr. Shrinky, but I don’t really know what I feel about going back. It’s not something I dread, but I’m not exactly eager about it either. He and I have a pending business to attend. He wants me back on a 3-sessions a week mode and I’m all for the 2-session option. And since I can’t really afford anything else, I guess we’ll have to go my way. Still I’ll have to listen to what he has to say about it, and I’ll have to expose yet again my poor finances.

My terrible handling of money and credit, something I’m horribly ashamed of, also forced me earlier today to reject another trip planned by BF, this time for easter or summer. If I don’t start saving to pay off my debt instead of fleeing this city whenever we get a chance to, I know I’m not gonna be done with it any time soon. Having debts is a rather uncomfortable thing to say the least. And for a person like me, who gets anxious so very easily, it’s more than uncomfortable, it’s like a needle pinching my lungs and ribs now and then.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I got the car and the clothes and the shoes and the phone, and, well, you get the idea.

And I’d never done anything like that before, I used to be in charge of my finances, until I discovered during the infamous 2012 that buying was an effective way of not feeling the pain I was used to, at least momentarily. I don’t recommend it at all though. It brings more problems than it solves, and finally it only helps to increase the feeling of not being in control, of being a failure, and ultimately it feeds your self-loathing.

Right now I can only be thankful for UNAM, my uni. It’s the best one in Mexico and Latin America and yet it’s free, I cannot imagine what my problems would be like if on top of it all I had a student loan on my back.

So now I have another problem I created for myself, like I needed more.

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13 thoughts on “New year, same debts.

  1. i hope it does rain for you, rain can be so cleansing and healing.

    debt and money troubles are really stressful, they affect us on a deep and constant level until they’re resolved, and sometimes resolution really isn’t possible anytime soon. i often have to remind myself that my debt issues will not be affected by me worrying and stressing over them, all that does is cause me harm. i pay what i can and don’t worry about the rest because what good is worrying? i can be mindful of my finances, i can be aware of how stressful things are, and i can do my best to resolve the issues but if there is truly nothing i can do, i try to let go of the worry. it’s easier said than done, but sometimes i have to remind myself to breathe and let go of what can’t be helped.

    i hope things get better for you. twice a week at the therapist is a good amount, i can’t imagine going more than that.

    • in the end it didn’t rain 😦 but on the other hand, your comment helped me a lot 🙂 i know it’s gonna get more than that to permanently get it in my head, but I’m gonna try to remember to not worry about the things I can’t control, so thank you so much for that!
      And yeah, three times a week was too much for me anyways, felt like all I ever did with my life was working and going to therapy.
      xoxo

  2. You can manage it, stay strong stay focused breath deep, and when all else fails, have a giant glass of wine or tea if you prefer. I had zero debt until I was 37 then MS. Decided to play the credit game, 😦 not good lol. Any how your a fabulous,smart hard working woman you can do anything you truly put your mind to. 🙂

    • Yeap, the credit game is a tricky one and you can’t quit it when you just don’t want to play anymore 😦
      Thank you so much for saying those things about me! You thinking that helps me, though it’s a harder job convincing myself of the same things lol.

      xoxo

  3. I am so glad for your sake that you came to your realization about spending to try to buy happiness! I have a good friend who took several years to be able to get past it and has over $100k US in debt because of it. She also has a house crammed with stuff that she will never be able to get around to using. This is a smart, capable woman with a PhD…

    • Well I kindda had to realize what I was getting myself into when I started lying about buying stuff, that was a huge red flag for me. I’m sorry for your friend, and I agree, it can happen to smart, capable people too, this is a sneaky problem. Thanks for your comment!

      xo

  4. It’s raining here today, which is lovely 🙂 Debt is a crazy thing, but don’t feel you are alone in it. Most of us have some kind of debt, some of us manage it better than others. Most of us don’t talk about it… My best to you for 2013.

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