It’s just sad

Trigger warning: self-harm is dealt with in this post.

So I talked to Mr. Shrinky about cutting one session from my treatment. He wasn’t happy about it but he understood, and said something that made my heart clinch a bit, that went a more or less like this: “it’s just sad that your emotional part has to pay up for the mess your outer part has made”. This remark hurt me a little, but not because I thought the comment was hurtful in any way, because it’s true. I just don’t know how to take care of my emotional being. I feed and clothe myself, I can manage to get by society’s requirements in a not-so-dreadful kind of way, but I just don’t know what to do with my inner me.

She’s always been left to mend for herself, and when she just can’t handle the pain anymore and sends s.o.s. signals to the outside, that’s when I cut, I cut until the pain is balanced between the outside and the inside. Or sort of anyways. I did it again on Saturday night, my anxiety pain was just too much, I felt I couldn’t breathe, it was surprising I wasn’t fainting or something thanks to it. And it felt good because it was soothing in a way, caring for my wounds felt as close to caring for my inner me as I could get at that point. And little me has way too much on her shoulders to begin with, and now she indeed has to pay for outer me’s rampage.

It just dawned on me right now that I really haven’t talked much about all the stuff that got me here in the first place, I guess I’m taking baby steps into it. When I first started this blog all I knew was that I needed to write and be read, even by just a handful of people. Writing has always been an amazingly powerful therapy for me, no matter what the topic is, and so I blogged about Mexico’s elections, the #132 movement, and the-thesis-that-must-not-be-named.

But then one night I felt like sharing a little about me, and a little more in another post, and next thing I know elections are out the window and I’m sharing my inner demons for the world to see. It was something entirely new and exhilarating in a way…though it was and continues to be scary and threatening because I don’t know who might read this and if they’ll judge me, and because talking about me in any form has never come easy for me.

So far I couldn’t be more pleased with what I’ve gotten from blogging, most importantly the people I met through doing it. Empirically finding out you’re not alone and that there are people going through stuff you can relate to, well it helps a long way, so thank you for being there!

P.D.

I know I know, this post is all over the place, but these were things I needed to get of my chest.

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22 thoughts on “It’s just sad

  1. It’s good to share. Not only will you feel less alone, but someone else out there looking will also know they are not alone. It’s a power circle, this writing thing.

  2. Dear Chatte Nocturne. I think this is an incredibly brave post!! I totally relate to what you are saying about blogging. I found it terrifying at the beginning; I was scared that people would judge me for things I wrote. And little by little, I have found the nerve to be more honest with my posts, and have also been surprised by, and grateful for, the people who have appreciated my posts, understood them, and/or offered their support. I have no experience with cutting, and am not a therapist, but I think it is a healthy sign that you are sharing that about yourself. You are bringing something dark within yourself out into the light, where maybe it will have less power over you. That always feels like a powerful step to me. With love….Kim

    • Thank you so much for your comment Kim, it means a lot to see that other people have felt the way I do, and I think you’re write about the power it has to bring into the light my dark issues.
      Hoping you’re well,

      xx

      • Hi…I am well but I have gone through a few years that felt quite dark; nothing seemed to be going right; and I felt quite alone in my life. I have been blogging for 2 years and really found it to be a form of therapy; writing exactly how I was feeling. The act of writing was therapeutic in itself, but also the feedback from other like-minded people was very helpful. Kim

  3. The beautiful support in this blogging world is amazing. I was floored when I discovered it myself. I never expected to delve to deeply into my own psyche.

    I’m sorry about that balancing act- that sounds rough. I experience something similar myself because it’s so important that I be seen as “normal” to the outside world that I don’t always pay attention to what my own inner world needs.

    Warm thoughts to you.

    -Pen

    • Yes, the support I’ve gotten has been something amazing and completely unexpected, and being able to express myself freely has given me a whole new inside on what’s going on with me. I’m glad and sad at the same time that you understand what I go through, I too fight to appear “normal” to the naked eye.
      A lot of warm thoughts back,
      Chatte

  4. I am so sorry that you are in so much pain my friend. You are very brave. I really like how you explained “I’m sharing my inner demons for the world to see”. That is so very poetic and true.
    Much love xo

    • Thank you for your lovely comment dear, it was soothing in a way. I don’t see what I wrote as brave because it’s something that I’ve come to need in order to feel better, but I thank you for your kind words.
      By the way, I love your profile pic, A little princess is a movie that I adore for many reasons.
      Sending hugs your way! xxx

  5. I’m sincerely sorry to hear about what you’re going through. I’m glad you’re finding some therapy through writing and sharing with others who will be supportive of you. I truly hope you find your way to taking care of your emotional being.
    – Janice xoxo

  6. I as well am sharing my inner demons , for me it has been very insightful and healing. For years I wanted to but was so afraid and ashamed about what people would think of me and my family. Also that I was jeopardizing my career by doing so. I ended up saying forget the career of 16 years, took a couple months off before I started the blog and I am healing more each day.

  7. I’m glad you’re sharing your life in this way. It’s so powerful when we can unleash some of the emotional weight we carry every day. Keep writing; it does amazing things for both you and your readers…I promise!

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