Daddy issues

Mommy wasn’t married to Daddy. In fact, Daddy was married to someone else. Everyone knew this. Everyone except Dani that is. Dani was told mommy and daddy were divorced, but she shouldn’t say this to anyone because it was a secret. Mmmm, ok… but, then, how could she explain the three of them traveling together and Mommy and Daddy kissing in front of her and sleeping on the same bed during those trips? Well, she just didn’t, because children just don’t ask those kinds of questions, they just acknowledge there’s something phony and then go around it.

I met my father when I was around 6 years old. Well, technically I’d met him before, there are pictures to prove it, only I was too small to remember. Don’t know if I’d asked questions before, I’d lived all my life with my mother but then, just around this age I guess, I was told I had a father. “Me?? I have a father? You mean like my friends at school!?” I remember my mother telling me they used to go motorbike riding all around Mexico, and I even remember little details like her telling me the exact spot where he used to park his bike. Then I was showed pictures. And then the day came when he was going to pick us up and we’d all go on a road trip. I was kind of disappointed when he didn’t show up in his bike, mom had forgotten to mention the three of us didn’t fit in one.

One of the pictures I was shown

I guess it must have been between the ages of 6 to 8 or 9-ish that this sort of event happened. After a period of time that seemed like ages to me, he would show up with presents and we’d all go travelling to all sorts of places. Later I figured out that we went on what might have easily been covered up as “business trips”, because he’s always gone on those because of his job. Then it all stopped. Daddy didn’t love Mommy anymore.

Me and my father on a trip

Me and my father on a trip

After this period, my mother would nag me to make me call him, like it was my duty. Had I been older, I might have said something like: “Now, wait just a minute, why should I call him, isn’t it HIS responsibility to at least check up on me???” But I wasn’t older, I was still a girl, and I had always been scared of him. So, I was made to call him to his office, and I was told to change my name when I did so, probably so the secretary wouldn’t ask why a girl with her boss’s same last name and who wasn’t his wife’s daughter was calling…or something.

So, my responsibility included calling him and asking him to meet me, and during this meetings, which usually took the form of Saturday breakfasts, I was instructed to ask him for money for all sorts of things. And he would refuse and I’d have to beg. I was also told to say this and that to him, I think my mother was just a step behind making me learn my dialogues, and so seeing or having any form of communication with my father became something I dreaded profoundly. Of course, the breakfasts became more and more spaced, until they stopped too.

The next time I saw my father I was in high school, and I was so filled with anger and hate towards both of my parents that I barely uttered a word during the whole dinner… but I’ll leave the reasons for my feelings to another post.


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21 thoughts on “Daddy issues

  1. It’s Sunday isn’t it. That my friend was a deep and amazing thing to share. I’ve never told anyone not even my wife about 1/2 the crap I went thoroughly with my original mother. You are certainly a brave and wonderful woman.
    Many giant hugs to you.

    • You humble me with your appreciation Ben, thank you 🙂 Today Sunday didn’t attack as strong as it usually does so maybe that’s why I took a babystep further into telling my story.
      Giant hugs are well received! 😀

  2. I am so sorry that you experienced this with your parents. I hope that you don’t mind that I am pissed at both of them on your behalf. Many, many thoughts of support and soothing comfort for you…

  3. Wow! I am so sorry for Little Dani! Your anger and hurt is completely valid because of the experiences you had with parents who were more interested in their own satisfaction than that of their little girl. But remember that anger hurts you more than it does them. Your satisfaction lies in the fact that YOU ARE A BETTER PERSON IN SPITE OF THEM! Thank you for sharing from the heart.

    Love and Hugs!

  4. wow. I think no parent should put their child in these positions, it certainly has a big impact on the rest of that person’s life. THANKFULLY, even though I don’t know you personally, you seem to have a pretty good head on your shoulders and you’re probably a better person because of your experiences. Thanks for the article!

    • Thanks for your kind words Alarna. It is helping me in a way, though stirring up things also carries the possibility of being thrown back into the deppresive mode I know too well, I’ll have to be on watch for that not to happen.

  5. Pingback: Daddy issues, part 2 | not all about cats

  6. Pingback: Secrets. Fucking secrets. | not all about cats

  7. Pingback: A Long Time Ago… (part 2) | not all about cats

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