Monday, kind of Sunday

I’ve been eating like a pig, my clothes don’t fit, specially my pants. Binge eating is something I’d trained myself to avoid, and I was successful for a long time. Now, it’s apparently become hard to remember cookies are not love nor peace of mind, and whenever I manage to loose some of the weight I’ve gained, I gain it right back. People say I’m ok, but they don’t know what it is to feel obese and ashamed and to hate yourself and your body so much you wanna cut the fat right out of you. The worst part is when they laugh at you for having such worries: “lol, your far, far away from being obese!”, or “if you think you’re fat, I can only wonder what you think of me!”
I wish it wasn’t such a big deal, I trick myself into thinking this is a silly thing to worry about, just like everyone tells me. And I feel quite dumb admitting this, but it really is a big, big issue for me, it’s something that affects me every second of every day. This is more serious than just being uncomfortable in my body, it actually feels more like being trapped in hell. This thing I look at in the mirror can’t be me! Get me out of here! But no one gets me out because this isn’t a bad dream, this is one of my biggest fears come true.
Anorexia is not something as simple as not eating. It sticks with you forever, even when you don’t look anorexic anymore. At least that’s the way I live it, I’ve almost lost hope that I’ll some time feel normal about food, because it haunts me ALL THE TIME.
This Monday looks quite a lot like s Sunday, anxiety is back at it and chest pains are creeping in on me, I wish it were Tuesday already so I could relax a bit. But I won’t relax. I never do. I just become less anxious. Well I still wish today would end so I could at least enjoy that. And also so I could start again my lately never-kept promise of not eating. I always say I’ll stop eating, and I always think I’m gonna keep the promise. But I hadn’t really told anyone about this, so maybe I’ll have a bigger chance of sticking to my goal this time.

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25 thoughts on “Monday, kind of Sunday

  1. I’m sorry it’s hovering around so harshly right now.
    You’re completely right, eating disorders aren’t “just” about eating. And they don’t just go away. I think of it as an insect that’s always buzzing around me, just sometimes it’s actually in my ear driving me nuts and sometimes it’s down by my legs or somewhere I don’t completely notice it. But it’s always there. And others don’t understand that I don’t see my body in the way they do. It is completely skewed in my vision. I can’t see it normally- it’s impossible. I wish I could. But I can’t. So all your jokes and comments that I’m “fine” falls on deaf ears.

    Ahem. Excuse the long paragraph. I really just wanted to say I hear and understand your pain.

    Stay safe. Sending lots of warm thoughts ❤

  2. I sending Monday ((((hugs)))) to you, eating disorders are super serious things, so absolutely feel how ever you need to feel and normal as you used to know it might be gone, plain truth. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t make a happy place with mr. New normal. Sending you all the happy thoughts I can muster.
    Always
    Benjamin

    • It’s just that this new normal scares the shit out of me (excuse my pottymouth). Thanks for your thoughts and the hugs though, as I said in my previous comment, they’re very much appreciated! xoxo

      • Absolutly, your a very nice person and you deserve all the support you can get. And I hear ya my PD scares the shit out of me as well. You can win your fight against this, its kinda like when a loved one dies, it never really gets better it just gets different..It might just take a bit longer for things to settle. But youll always have the support of this wiggly painter in your corner.

  3. Im so sorry youre having such a hard time right now 😦 I hope you can just try to put aside your body and food worries for a while and enjoy a movie or show at home or out, or a nice long bubble bath or a long call to a friend. You deserve some enjoyable, peaceful, and relaxing down time just for you –worries not invited! Good luck finding some of that soon!

  4. Oh, my… We have so much in common! Your posts get spookier by the second. I don’t like my legs. In fact, I was bullied AT HOME for 28 years and well? I hide behind pants all the time. Truth be said I don’t think I have tears left. I’m slim by nature, but now my clothes don’t fit either. Gained 20 pounds these past few months, but started dieting and exercising because all those pounds go to my face and torso, legs stay thin. See? yOu’re NOT alone!!! I know it’s hell! Let’s fight it together!

  5. {hugs} I have nothing constructive to add. I got attacked at work today for my body and it made me so flipping angry. This woman must have said “oh, look at how skinny she is” a dozen times and it hurt more every time. I had soup for lunch and even that got snide remarks. I haven’t had dinner. I probably won’t either.

      • I don’t feel good about my body, and she made me feel worse. Every time she comes in town to work, she makes comments and it’s wrong. I get so anxious waiting for her to arrive because I know the first thing out of her mouth will be some comment about my body.

          • Sorry I hijacked your post with my own problems, I just wanted you to know I get it. No matter what body we have, someone will think it’s their business to trash it like it’s their own. I (we) do enough of that on our own that we don’t need anyone else’s help.

  6. i totally understand how you feel, it’s not stupid, you’re in pain. i battle BDD and think that also goes along with anorexia. i wish i could unzip my skin and climb out…i can’t even look in a mirror or if i do, i can’t see my face, if i look at my whole face, i’m mortified.
    sending love and hugs your way xo

  7. I’ve been doing pilates and the instructor keeps telling me to look at my belly and look at myself in the mirror and flatten that belly. I cringe every time, but she makes it seem so not a big deal to look at it, that I do it. And then I think FAT FAT rolls. And then I come home and eat three protein cookies. And then I want to throw up. I wonder if there will ever come a day that my body won’t bother me. Does it stop when you reach a certain age? It has to be more than 50 if it does, because I’m almost there. Gah!

    Tomorrow will be better.

  8. Hi Chatte,
    Nothng really useful to say as I am in the mids of strugglng wth eating (again!) although i am on a break from therapy because it feelslike the next thing I need to tackle are my body/weight issues. I am trying to step back and allow myself to actually think about my body and my eating and instead of automatically condemning myself, I am trying to understand. One breakthrough I did make (pretty sure I wrote about it) was in realizing that while I focus on my weight (I’m about 155 lbs over my “ideal” weight) and struggle with being so fat, the real shame is about my having a body at all. So any time I try to diet I am focusing on my body, which brings up a terrible amount of shame so I binge again to hold it down. Its very much a catch-22. So I am trying to step off the hamster wheel but am not quite sure where the exit is. But I understand shame is the key. Once I am ready and have gathered some shame, (wow talk about a Freudian slip) sorry I meant strength, I will go back to BN and try to deal with it. So I just wanted to say that I understand the shame and hatred no matter what the weight. Thanks for being courageous enough to talk about this, I feel less alone. ~ AG

    • Thank you for your comment AG. You know?? I too feel shame about having a body at all, it’s something I’ve never dealt with but it’s always there on the background. I’m sorry you understand my struggles, but thanks for letting me know, it somehow makes it a little better. xoxo

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