Battle lost

Went to my monthly appointment with N on Thursday. She’s finally convinced that one of the meds is making me put on A LOT of weight. On one hand I’m happy that my voice is being heard. On the other hand, I’m very much pissed at N. I asked her about the med making me gain weight months ago! I’ve gained 20 pounds since then! And now after I’ve fallen into my old puking-fasting-bingeing habits, now she tells me the med’s the reason. No shit Sherlock…

I’m mad ’cause I feel like she wasn’t listening to me when I told her first, because she dismissed my guesses like those of an overly-worried-probably-anorexic girl who needed to do as she was told. And I did. I trusted her. And now, 20 pounds later, if my metabolism has changed, how in the f-ing world am I going to lose this weight!? I know, I’m still formally inside what’s considered healthy weight, but I can’t look at myself in the mirror, sex is weird, my clothes don’t fit, my self-esteem is six feet under!

Yesterday I had to buy a pair of jeans. Fat-ass jeans to be more exact. I knew I needed them but put it on the back of my mind ’cause it was like accepting a battle lost. Also, BF bought them for me. Because I can’t afford to buy a fucking pair of jeans these days. Nor anything really, almost my entire paycheck goes to therapy and paying debts, with only some spare change for my most immediate needs. Still, him paying for me made me feel a little better actually. I know he’s worried about me, he loves me so much, and that’s a whole lot more than many people have in the world and for that I’m thankful.

P.D.

This Sunday doesn’t entirely suck ass, this may be longest streak I’ve had in months.

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17 thoughts on “Battle lost

  1. i’m glad you’re finally being heard. i was on one med for a very very short time, it make me feel as though i was starving 24/7 no matter what or how much i ate. it was brutal, thankfully the doc heard me and i was off it! if he hadn’t heard me, i was going off it anyway. it also made me lactate. i never should have been on it.

  2. Sounds familiar. My monthly check is for paying my medications. I still have for gasoline and gym, but not much more. Sigh… and yes, one of my medications makes me crave sweets, bread… (carbs in general)

    Now about those jeans… I couldn’t afford them either so I bought a pair of white pants on Friday (Levis) and guess what? When I removed the tag, there was a hole right below the tag! I plan to take them back tomorrow.

    Mental health is more important than weight. Ask your Doctor about other possibilities without stopping your current medication, Ok? You cannot do that. Just in case it crosses your mind… I’m here to stop you!

    • Wasn’t thinking about it lol. Doc told me to lower the dose until I run out of pills, then we’ll change it. Hopefully now I’ll be able to lose some of this annoying weight. Sadly my budget doesn’t allow me to include gym hours, but I’ll try my best to exercise at least a bit.
      Hey I’m sorry for your jeans! Qué coraje!
      Thanks for your support girl, it means a lot.

      xoxo

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