The depressed and the stoic.

There’s nothing more natural to love than fighting, and so BF and I apparently decided to celebrate St. Valentine’s in a very traditional way lovers have always had to express their love: making the loved one feel like shit. And that’s how I decided to write today even though I thought I wouldn’t, I just have some things that I want to get out of my chest and into BF’s ears, or in this case eyes, so excuse me if I shift the way I’ll go around this post and address BF directly:

I told you I’ve had a tough week. You know how I was triggered, and you know I’ve been suffering from a heavy migraine that just won’t go away. These are the upfront reasons I gave you for not being considerate, for not taking into account your wishes and your feelings. But there’s more than that.

Loving someone who is severely depressed is not exactly a day in the park. I know that. I’ve been putting you through hell for quite a while now, I know that too. You’re always there, and even when I push you away you take my blows, my anger and my frustration and you try to make it go away.

But baby, you can’t. I can see it hurts you deeply, but these things are not yours to make better. You give every ounce of strength and will in you to make this demon go away, but you’re only trying to crack a concrete wall with a blunt knife, it’ll suck life itself out of you before you can see a change. You can walk next to me while I fight these demons though. Please do. I’ll be lifting my head to see if you’re there keeping me company, and it’ll give me strength to keep fighting them.

I know my depression can be like a back hole that sucks everything around it, even yourself if you let it. But please, don’t think I’ve forgotten your importance. I don’t love you just because of the things you do for me (which I have to say are enough in themselves), I love you for the person you are. You’re important. And I care.

You’ve been putting so much more than me into the relationship for so long. I’m so incredibly sorry for that. You’re not getting what you give in this deal, and I can see how frustrating that is, to give your self entirely to someone only to see them continuously dwelling in their own individual shit. I’m not romantic, I’m not cute, I’m not tender, even when I seem to demand these things from you. It’s not fair, I know. And I know it looks like I’m very, very selfish, because I can’t look past my own nose. What I think makes a difference is that I’m aware of this, and it hurts me, and I’m trying to fix it by trying to heal myself, I wish you could see that.

I don’t know how, when, or if I’ll be able to love you the way you deserve, and I’m so sorry for that. I can only assure you I’ll love you as much as I can. I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you the way you have been for me, I wish I could change that in the past, but I promise I will work to fix it, to make it different in the future, to give you the place you’ve earned, because I love you.

Will you be my Valentine?


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