Panic inside

Being having panic moments since yesterday. I start sweating like crazy, my heartbeats rise, and I feel like I could die. And I want to die. I actually dreamt I was about to be killed by a lunatic and in my dream I just closed my eyes and hoped that he did it, I didn’t put up a fight, I just lowered my arms and silently waited for him to slash my throat. Nice huh?

I wanted to write yesterday about how I was feeling, but nothing sounded right. Perhaps because nothing IS right. Some of the stuff I was writing yesterday looked like this little draft I forgot to erase:

My life’s just too much for me. I’m glad it’s Sunday because I can’t handle Monday. I’m a chronic underachiever. Not only have I been given an education and basic needs covered, I’ve been blessed with some level of talent, wits, and common sense. And yet, I keep complaining about life, get into financial troubles, am stuck in the final chapter of my thesis, and single-handedly manage to make my life miserable. Because lets face it, blaming your parents can only get you so far. Why am I not stronger? Why I am sick? I guess I just wish I wasn’t such a loser.

Mr. Shrinky says my dream was very important because I’m learning to cope in different ways other than self-harm. I haven’t cut despite of how overwhelmed I feel. Instead I dreamt that someone else did it for me, and come to think about it, the dream has indeed helped because I haven’t felt that horrible urge all day long even when I’ve had such a dreadful one.

I feel like I’m doing a fool’s dance. One step forward, two steps back. It may have been some sort of breakthrough…but that doesn’t change the fact that my life is too much for me. People are starting to be condescendent with me: they are nicer, they let me get away with whatever’s on my mind, they look at me and stop themselves from saying things that may hurt me. Because they feel (or know) I’m weak, I can’t handle stuff, I’m broken. Ugh…

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31 thoughts on “Panic inside

  1. often during or just after a breakthrough this can happen. things get worse before they get better.
    when you have a breakthrough which it sounds like you are, then it may also unearth the next layer…all that to say, you are moving forwards not backwards at all. xo

  2. You are in my thoughts, remember its like a beautiful waltz two steps forward to steps to the side and again turn spin and two steps forward and like has been said before. And like I have in a giant blank canvas in my studio
    Keep moving forward.
    Always
    Benjamin

  3. I think of healing like a spiral, or a slinky. It can feel like nothing is getting any better, you feel like you’re going sideways, but in fact you’re gaining on it, bit by bit. I hope things feel brighter in the days to come. Hugs.

    Ella

  4. I only have a sec. Noticed you used the word “underachiever”. I could describe myself that way too—-and be miserably depressed trying to sound so objective. Isn’t that a strange word. To me it suggests that even achievement is a failure.

    It is so weird the way we sometimes find our strengths through the things about our personalities that have felt like stumbling blocks to our success. By “success” I really mean happiness.

    Those people who humor you politely–go ahead and be thankful for them. You need the acceptance by them, even if you can’t sense the depth of it at times. I hope the traumatic part of your subconscious can find rest. Till then, I hope everyone you encounter is kind to you.

    I appreciated having a moment to read through your post. As you could tell from mine–I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

    Hang in there….no telling what changes are going to happen to you and in you. I hope I continue to have time to check in on my new wordpress friends. Blogging is great!

  5. How you are feeling is familiar to everyone who is honest enough to say that somewhere along the way we feel incomplete and inadequate. It’s a cycle of life, we feel low then suddenly, we find ourselves on top of everything again. It’s our human nature and so I say to you, YOU ARE SURELY NOT ALONE, SURELY NOT DIFFERENT!!

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