Picture of my life

I’ve been having this Jamiroquai song in my mind all week. Probably due to the fact that he just had a gig here in Mexico City on Monday and I couldn’t be there. Had been waiting 7 years to see him and because of work I had to be an adult and miss it. Goddamned adult responsibilities!

But there’s something else too. I’ve been feeling so lost, filled with such hopelessness, and I just can’t pinpoint what it is. Instead I’ve been focusing all my undetected and unresolved issues on my weight. This is something that’s been torturing me for sure, and I’ve effectively starved for some days now, I’ve lost a pound a day and whenever I get on the scale I’m petrified by the fear it’s going to show how much of a fat cow I am, and yet it keeps showing I’m loosing weight and it gives me comfort and peace of mind, though it still doesn’t show the weight I want it to show. I’ve also been looking at YouTube videos of the downwards spiral many women get caught it thanks to anorexia, the aim of their videos is to warn others…but I think they just fuel me. I don’t look at those pro ana-mia sites though, don’t get me wrong, I think they’re stupid and dangerous for women, especially teenagers, to look at. You want to be anorexic? Trust me, you don’t.

I do eat when I’m with company, because I know how much of an annoyance it can be to have people noticing you’re not eating. But on weekdays nobody really notices wether I eat or not and I can get away with it. I said I was going to lose the weight I’ve gained thanks to those damn pills before my birthday, and that means I have a little more than a month to do so. I wish it didn’t matter to me, I wish I could just let it be, but I can’t, and it makes me feel stupid and sad. Just as the song says, I wish someone could show me what my life should really be like, because this can’t be it.

I never had a dream that I could follow through
Only tears left to stain, dry my eyes once again
I don’t know who I am, or what I’m gonna do
Been so long I’ve been hopelessly confused
This can never really end, it’s infinitely sad
Can someone tell me when
Something good became so bad
So if you have a cure
To me would you please send
A picture of my life
With a letter telling how
It should really be instead

The precipice is there
But will I ever dare
Throw myself in the sky, so at last I can die
See I’ve become a man
Who holds nothing too dear
Who will mind if I just disappear 
This can never really end, it’s infinitely sad
Can someone tell me when
Something good became so bad 
So if you have a cure
To me would you please send
A picture of my life
With a letter telling how
It should really be instead

On a brighter note, I’m not going to go to work tomorrow, yay! Thanks to my other job at Mount Olympus I have to go to the SAT department, which is like the IRS in the States, to do a bunch of paperwork for the uni to be able to hire me as an external employee. It’s probably going to take most of my morning and I was first bummed about it, but then I realized I could see it as getting a break from an otherwise dreadful humdrum Monday, and it cheered me up! I won’t have to give classes, I won’t have to wear my horrendous uniform, and I sure will be out of there before 3:30, which is the time I get off work, so it’s a win-win really! Well… that is if I conveniently put aside the fact that I won’t get paid on that day, but it’s a price I’m willing to pay for a day off 🙂

business_cat

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20 thoughts on “Picture of my life

  1. I tried to come by earlier to say hi but had to run before I could comment. Hope your Sunday is going well. Seems like you’ve tomorrow all figured out. Giant smiles 😀
    And silly face 😛 just because your awesome
    Always
    Benjamin

  2. Business cat could cheer anybody up. Isn’t it interesting how our weight becomes our focus when things are bothering us? I have a tendency to “feel fat” when something is bothering me, even when my weight is the same as the day before.

    I hope you feel better tomorrow and enjoy your respite from work.

    • Thank you! He is a funny little cat isn’t he? I think it’s got something to do with control, when things start getting out of our hands we take refuge in the things we can control, like our weight.

  3. Chatte: I can relate to the feelings in this post. I feel incredible shame about my weight and it keeps me from feeling good about myself and from doing social things. The sad thing is that this has been true most of my adult life AND well before I was truly over-weight. Now, I can see that my weight has been the focus for my self-hatred, which clearly has deeper roots. It does not help that we have a society that worships skinny. BUT, I have found it helpful to think about women I really like or respect who are overweight and to realize that when I am with them, I never think about their weight. It helps me to see that many people will look at me the same way; they will not see me for my weight; they will see that I am open-minded, fun, interesting, or compassionate. It helps to remind myself of this. And I know from visiting your posts that you are a bright, articulate, talented, sensitive person who has so much to offer….so hang in there. When you cannot see what there is to value in you, remember that there are people like me who can! Kim

    • Wow, thanks Kim, with your always thoughtful, sensitive comments! I will do as you say. Actually, one person whom I’ve recently being looking up to is the singer Adele, she’s so confident, I wish I could be more like her! I hope you’re doing well these days. xoxo

  4. sorry youre feeling so lost. i feel lost mostly too, like im just aimlessly being knocked about by the current of the life of the world, like some flotsam and jetsam, with no particular life or goal and no knowledge of how to get one, or get to it if i had one.

    i hope you feel more in control soon, and enjoy your almost day off.

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