Rambo skills

This is just not a good day. I hate how my mood can go up and down just like that with no apparent reason for it, not on the outside at least. It started since last night. Wild suicidal thoughts running through my mind. Hadn’t had those in months. And it just sucks. Not because I’m about to throw myself out the window, I’m not really suicidal at this point, but the thought crosses my mind and then I just start thinking of ways I could do it, lovely hobby isn’t it? It feels like a loss, like I was getting away from that and then in a day I can be thrown right back into it.

As much as I wanted to pretend everything was ok just because I had the gift of a couple of happy days, truth is I’m still broken, and it won’t go away because I got to play in a pool.

I know one thing that is for sure contributing to making me feel this way. I got two weeks off from teaching but only one off from Mount Olympus, so this week I was able to show up at the Institute earlier, without the pressure of running back and forth between the school and the campus, and I got to stay for as long as I wanted, there was a lot to be done anyways. But the point is this isn’t my real routine. On Monday I have to go back to teaching English, which was perfectly fine by me until I got this other job that constantly reminds me of what I really want to do with my life, or rather what I don’t want to do with it.

It’s not that I don’t like being a grade school teacher, I think I like it and I don’t suck at it. It’s that I didn’t choose this to be my life, but rather it chose me. It’s something that happened to me, not something that I made happen.

Writing for a living, being a historian, working in the editorial business, becoming a foreign affairs official, those are things that I want to happen to me, any of them, but I’m gonna have to make them happen, they’re not going to come on their own. But how can I work on obtaining any of those things while I’m so busy making a living out of teaching? I guess I do think I can do it, that’s what I’m fighting for everyday, but this week is just reminding me how easier it would be if I didn’t have to juggle so many things at the same time, especially things that I consider are keeping me away from my dreams.

I’m going to be 26 next week, I’m not a young girl anymore, I’m actually going to be closer to my 30’s than to my 20’s, and I still haven’t gotten there yet, I still feel like my dreams are millions of light years away from me. In fact, I feel like they are further away than what they where some good 4 years ago. I feel like I’m wasting my time, and while other people my age are steadily on their way to achieving their life goals, I’m still in line to get on life’s roller coaster (wow, that sounded a so corny lol)

It’s been a couple of hours since I started writing this post, and I feel a little better, it’s a good thing I let it rest here for some time before publishing it. Maybe it’s because  I’ve been so busy with documents and emails from one of the reviews I’m working for, maybe it’s the fact that I’ve resigned myself that I’m gonna have to keep going this way for longer than expected. Maybe it’s the weather, that has become cloudy and probably rainy and sure suits my mood better than the sunny spring day we had in the morning. Who knows… I guess we all have our moments. I’m still feeling down, but as we say in Mexico, I’m not cutting my veins with animal crackers anymore. Now I’m working on my Rambo skills: this is life, it’s not great, sometimes it sucks, deal with it.

 

Rambo cat disapproves of my weakness

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20 thoughts on “Rambo skills

  1. My Hubby is still fighting for his dreams. He went back to school in his late 30’s to become a helicopter pilot. He is now a licensed pilot but because he’s a rookie with low flying time no one will hire him. It’s one of those things where you need flight time to get a job, but you need a job to get flight time. It just sucks. Keep fighting for your dreams it’s not too late.

  2. Okay, well happy almost birthday 😀 !! I’m very sorry to hear that these thoughts plague you so, I do get it. It’s not something I share, but I understand completely and I’m very truly sorry, I have no Dave advice other than don’t close the line, it’s not one you can come back from. As far as being 26 almost and not where you want to be, life’s funny that way. In 42 old man Ben lol I’ll be 43 if I make it that long and I’ve only just begone to live my life and not the one others needed me to life so trust me there’s time. I’ve seen so much in my life, you should be proud of where your at, heck I’m proud of you and we don’t even have coffee together. If I could give any encouraging words it would be never give up, do something little everyday that puts you in the direction you want to go, even if that small thing is remembering that you do have a dream and goals, sometimes that’s all it takes to make huge things happen. Remember your a talented intelligent beautiful young woman the world truly is your oyster you just need to find the courage to realize it and make it happen.
    Ok that’s the old guy speak for today.
    Big smile 😀
    And well wishes for you.
    Benjamin

  3. Boooo and hugs.

    As you are aware, I feel the same way about my “career.” I didn’t choose it; I just ended up here. At least you’re trying to change by going to school.

  4. I know it may not seem like it, but 26 is still very young. I was not even sure what I wanted at 26 but I was married and had a couple of kids. Just keep working toward what you want and you will get closer. Even with education, sometimes people end up working outside their fields.

    I never chose the career that I am in. I ended up here. I make a pretty good living, but not great. I am now working toward a much higher position in this job that I had no idea I would end up in. The new job will allow me to be an advocate for my co-workers. I am really good at that. The moral of the story is: I made the best of the situation and what life dealt me. I have discovered a position in this field that I like and am good at. Life has so many surprises in store for you!

  5. Hi….I know others have said it, but it seems to me that you have accomplished a huge amount in your short life!! I am 55 and still wonder what I want to do with my life. For some of us, it is an on-going thing. I have decided that that is good I thing; it means that we are constantly growing and evolving as people. Hold on to your dreams, talk to people who are doing the kind of thing you would like to do, and be ready to leap when the opportunity arises! Kim

    • Thank you Kim, I will do all of those things. I know I’m still young, it’s just frustrating to see so many people my age or younger “making it” already. But I won’t stop working towards my dreams, not yet. Hugs!

  6. Pingback: Reality check | not all about cats

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