Sometimes I hate the line I walk

Still not doing ok. But go figure, I can’t stay away from this blog, when I tried to do so, it followed me into my dreams. On the lines below you’ll find a short summary of how my head told me to continue blogging.

Some nights ago, I dreamed Mr. Shrinky sent me to another therapist to get a second opinion, and a lot of stuff went down. When I arrived at the address I’d been given, it was a residence apartment. The guy answered the door and we sat in a desk. He did some sort of interview, and then he told me to go to the living room, where he had a couch and an armchair. He told me to lie down on the couch, to which of course I refused, as I’ve systematically done so in Mr. Shrinky’s office whenever he has suggested it. The difference with this guy is that he forced me to do so, like, physically pushed me into laying down and when I did so, these ginormus lamps went on, similar to the ones used in surgeries. As I was lying there, 4 girls went in, who turned out to be this hideous therapist’s daughters. They were coming in from school, and he quickly got up to ask them what their homework was, then he very rudely dismissed them into different rooms to get it done and went back to me. I was already feeling very intruded with the whole episode, when a gringo* came in too, and sat down in front of me. He was speaking in such a poor Spanish that I asked for him to speak to me in English, and then he said he was there as an observant, I then asked him to please leave and he said he wouldn’t under any circumstance, he wanted to witness my whole treatment. At that point I straightened up and said I’ve had enough and got up to leave this pseudo-treatment. That was the end of the dream.

Speaking about it in therapy, and then reflecting on it afterwards, I found out a lot about it. The girls in my dreams seem to represent the different generations of women in my family who have been through abuse and violence, it has been a chain that’s turned hard to break, and what makes it worse is that the trauma has hit so hard that many women in my family have become abusers too. In my dream, the girls were badly treated by a male authority figure who sent into different rooms where they couldn’t communicate with each other. Mr. Shrinky wondered if the part about being sent to another shrink means I feel like I need to go in another direction in therapy, or that I might need to increase the number of sessions per week. And finally, I’m convinced that the gringo who wanted to witness the whole thing and wouldn’t leave at my request is my blog. In my previous post I explained how I was having a break down and would stop writing for some time in the thought that I was triggering myself out. However thoughts of stuff to write about didn’t stop coming in. I believe this gringo was a sign that my blog’s purpose is to serve as an account of my healing process and my growth in life, and in any case it’s worse not writing on it than doing it, so here I am.

On Wednesday I had what was supposed to be my last session of the week with Mr. Shrinky, I was disengaged for the most part of the first half of it, around the middle I started talking about these heart flips and chest pains that keep on getting stronger and I told him about the anxiety episode I had last time I saw N. I showed how desperate I was for not knowing why I was so distressed, and then the session was over. As I was leaving tears were streaming down my face, but when I got to my car they turned into full on sobs that I couldn’t control, and I didn’t even know why I was crying. I even called N and told her the anti-anxiety wasn’t working because I was a complete mess, we had a chat and in the end she told me to increase the dosage…again. I hate to admit it, but I’ve felt much better.

Later on that afternoon, Mr. Shrinky texted me to offer me a session the next day, I guess it was obvious I wasn’t doing ok. It took me some time, but I finally agreed. On that extra session on Thursday we talked again about adding one more time a third session a week to my treatment. I do have an extra job now so even if things would be stretched, I can afford it. The thing is the schedule is super complicated, but after giving it some thought, even talking about it with BF ’cause it would take away part of the little time we get to spend together, I decided I’m going to accept. I don’t even know if it’ll be something permanent or if it’s a temporary thing until I get back on my feet and/or rebel and stop just because I want to, but for now, this is something that’s good for me. I’m sad that I’m taking even more medication, but I don’t feel like pills are being thrown at me anymore, this time it feels like they’re just helping me get through the roughest edges while I work on a deeper level with Mr. Shrinky.

So I guess this is my come back. I have lots of thing to say but I first wanted to explain how I decided blogging isn’t a trigger for me but rather a way for me to analyze and look at my issues with some perspective.

*I’m sure most of you are familiar with the term, but in case you’re not: in Mexico (and I think in some Latinamerican countries too) a gringo is a North American. It’s not demeaning in any way (though it might be a little stereotypical I admit), it’s just a form for us to refer to them since we don’t like calling them “Americans” (us Mexicans, and Argentinians and Brazilians, and so on, are Americans too, after all), and “North Americans” is a very loooong word. 🙂

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19 thoughts on “Sometimes I hate the line I walk

  1. I’m sorry that it continues to be so rough for you. 😦

    Much, much support and I hope that you will soon be able to turn the corner and start to experience and easing of the distress.

  2. My experience is the blogging is it’s kind of like talking is – if I’m blogging about tough things, the emotions come up stronger, so it seems like it’s getting worse. But actually it’s trying to heal. That’s my take anyway. Sorry it’s so rough at the moment – hopefully the extra session will help. xox

    • Thank you Ellen. I think you’re right, it does feel worse, but it actually means I’m on my way to getting better. I’m gonna start with the extra session next week, let’s see how that goes. xoxo

  3. I’m so glad you’re still here. Writing can be so therapeutic for these growing pains and the heartbreak we all face as humans. It’s gotten me through the most difficult year of my life. Support from so many kind souls, your kind soul, has helped heal my bruised and battered heart. I hope you find some comfort here. Hugs.

    • I definitely have found support and comfort here, that’s one of the main reasons I couldn’t stay away for long. My friends here, such as yourself, seem to be much closer to me than most people I deal with daily IRL. I know this year has been incredibly tough and unfair to you, and I’m so sorry for that, I can only wish to be of some help, however small that may be, so that you don’t feel so bad. Sending lots of love your way. xoxo

  4. Slo una pequea nota. Llorar limpia el alma, hay mucho que sacar, que te corresponde a ti y que tambin ests limpiando por generaciones atrs de ti. En tu proceso de sanacin el llorar te ayuda a limpiar y a sanar. Por lo menos as ha sido en mi caso. Te mando un abrazo.

    Date: Mon, 15 Apr 2013 00:30:46 +0000 To: eflournoyt@msn.com

  5. Sorry your having a hard time. Blogging has only helped me but sometimes it doesn’t feel like it. On a side note, I’m a white guy with a mostly French ancestry from Canada. Does that make me a gringo too? Lol! 😉

  6. Very profound, its crazy how the mind works. I have heard that we dream every night but for me I only remember dreaming for the last year or so. blogging is something I would of never done prior to my ending my career last August. I would of never opened up about my life to anyone let alone the world. It has been a great healing tool for me and a release. I am able to blog in the safe confines of my home. My Mr. Shrinky at first didn’t think it was a good idea. I feel closer to my blogging community then I do my own friends. Because I can share the truth and get support. I enjoy your journey and will continue with you along that journey.

    • I feel the same way about my blogging community, because I’m much more open with you guys, probably because you don’t judge. I also enjoy your journey, though it makes me sad to see how much you’ve been through. Let’s continue to support each other on our paths. Lots of hugs dear!!

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