My relationship with N* has always been stressed, there was the time when she made it clear she wasn’t going to share one bit of herself with me, there was the time when she asked me to get a CAT scan and I didn’t because I didn’t think I needed it, there’s also the part where she’s always nagging about my eating, and to top it all off, there was the day (just our previous appointment) where I showed up in a state of an almost panic attack. Last Friday I had another appointment with her, it had only been 2 weeks since the las time I saw her, and I can say it was the worst time ever.
The session started badly since (not so unexpectedly) she arrived late. I cannot stand it when she does this. I have to move around my whole schedule to fit the hour she tells me, I make a big effort to be on time, and she’s almost always late, so when the session starts I’m already bothered. This time she took even longer than usual, so I sat in one of the plastic chairs (out in the open) she and her coworkers seem to present as a waiting room, and waited for 15 minutes.
She then asked about how I’d been, I said so-so, I would have been doing just fine had it not been for the anxiety. The med has been helping but when I forget to take it all of the symptoms come back, so this is not a solution on a deeper level, but rather a palliative, and I’m not happy about that. I asked if what happened to me in the afternoon of our last session had been a panic attack, she said it wasn’t, that it was almost one, but just for a little detail we could discard that, though we had to manage my anxiety levels because having one was still a strong possibility. I asked what was the detail I’d missed. She said it wasn’t important, that I’d only shown 4 of the 5 symptoms needed to diagnose a PA.
-But I want to know, why can’t you just tell me?- I asked her.
-I don’t want to influence you.
-You do know there’s a thing called internet, right? I can just look it up right now, though I’d prefer you telling me.
-Well, have you looked it up? How did you come up with the PA term anyways?
-How is that even important? It’s a general knowledge term! Besides you, influence me? Do you think I’m just one of those people who google their symptoms and decide I’m going to die of brain cancer in two months? You insult my intelligence, and it enervates me when you keep stuff hidden from me, like I can’t handle it!
-Keep stuff from you? But I’m telling you all you need to know!
We didn’t get much further than that on the subject, she just said my anxiety levels where on the sky and we had to stabilize them quickly. She said something about increasing the meds and then went on to ask about the lab results for the tests she had told me to get. I said I didn’t have them done and she was bothered by this and asked why, to which I answered I didn’t think I needed them. She told me to get them to see whether or not I’m anemic and if my diets have been taking a toll on me. I said I don’t eat much but when I do I do it in a healthy, balanced way, to which she refused and said this and that about proteins and minerals, about how quickly I am losing weight, and how she’s worried I seem so happy about it. After all, if the results come back ok, that’s good, right? One less thing to worry about.
I then said (remember I was already pretty pissed) she was treating me like I was some deranged anorexic, to which she answered, and I quote: “And are you not?”
OMG!!! I wanted to walk out of there in that precise moment, but only said “gee, thanks for the support!” I told her I have never been obsessed about exercise, nor have I lost so much weight people look at me funny on the street or I appear like I just escaped Auschwitz. She reminded me (like I needed reminding) there are lots of types and levels of anorexia, and it was her job to make sure I wasn’t putting myself in danger. She named some symptoms she knew I suffer and asked about others which I dismissed as something normal in me (like losing hair and brittle nails). She then mentioned irritability as yet another symptom visible in me.
Of course! My irritability is due to the lack of chicken, and not to you being late, answering the phone while on session (she did this and then went out for a bit to get the door for someone), keeping information from me, or right out insulting me!
Gosh, I’m getting pissed just retelling this session. I know there was a huge level of resistance in me during the session, but I felt I needed to defend myself every minute of it! We made an appointment for this Saturday but I’m going to cancel it, see if she’s available for the next Saturday and if she’s not, that’s too bad. I don’t even know if I want to continue seeing her. I know she and Mr. Shrinky work as a “team”, but I’m not sure having these kinds of upsetting sessions helps me in any way. I did get the lab tests done though, BF convinced me. He said she had indeed been out of line, but I wasn’t making things any easier by not letting her do her job, and analyzing my results is part of her job. So there, I got pinched today, 2 full blood tubes out of me, and I can bet everything will be alright. And even if it’s not, it doesn’t change the fact that some heavy stuff went down, and I now have a decision to make.
*For those of you who don’t know, N is my psyquiatrist. I didn’t really go to her in what you would call “willingly” terms, but rather Mr. Shrinky sent me to her at the very first stage of my therapy with him.