Today I received an email from one of the people I’ve grown most afraid of: my tutor. It’s been a month since I saw her, first at her office and then at the thesis seminar. She seemed pleased with the work I’d achieved, and the seminar went quite well for me. However she did give me some work to take care of, most of which I of course haven’t done in the smallest amaunt. Those who follow me know how tough this past months have been for me with deaths, flashbacks, nervous breakdowns, and now to top it all off a shrink crisis. Well she doesn’t know any of this, there’s no way I could tell her after all the barriers she’s put between us.
I’ve tried before to let her now how things are with me but she dismisses my problems immediately as “life”… she could just say openly that she thinks they’re excuses. Once I even felt she didn’t believe what I shared with her (which took a lot of gut from me), and at the beginning of our work together, maybe as an effort to get her to connect with me, and after days and days of deliberation, I tried to friend her on FB…she refused. It wasn’t even like I was stalking or anything, we do have several friends in common, but she obviously does not want any kind of contact with me other than the tutor-tutoree e-mails. So now I’m partially traumatized (ok, maybe a bit of an exaggeration but I do feel very very bad about this) by the not so far-fetched intuiton that she doesn’t like me. Don’t get me wrong though, I do like her and admire her tons, but she’s just so cold towards me that I’m now afraid of her,
Anyways, yesterday I sent her an email about the work that she had asked me to do a month ago and that she hasn’t received, I tried to explain I had to take a break from my work with the Frankenthesis because of some deaths in the family and a generally tough time I’ve been having. And today I received an email from her today which pretty much freaked the hell out of me, it said
Are you still interested in getting a degree or not? If you are, send me the corrections for chapters 4 and 2 ASAP, and if you’re not then fuck off.
She of course didn’t curse or anything, but the mail did pretty much say that. I have to add I read the mail in-between classes with my 6 and 7 year olds. At the middle of my next class I had to step away for a moment, my heart was beating so hard and painfully I was honestly amazed I wasn’t having a heart attack! So when I couldn’t take it anymore I ran to the teacher’s lounge for a cup of water and spiked it with my anti-anxiety med, all the while thinking “please Lord don’t let them kill themselves while I’m gone”. Some teachers are used to casually leaving the classroom, but I won’t even go to the toilet if there’s no one watching them, not when they’re THAT young anyways. I went back to my classroom to check no lives had been put in danger, and patiently (as if I had a choice) waited for the med to kick-in.
I’m now back at home after seeing Mr. Shrinky, which is a whole other post by itself, but I can tell you I’m nowhere near lowering my anxiety levels, and that just sucks 😦