Infinite sadness

How can it be possible to feel so sad? It’s amazing, especially when I went to bed last night virtually alright. I’m feeling incredibly (impossibly?) sad, but things today don’t seem any different than yesterday when I went to sleep and was feeling ok. Is it something that happened in my sleep? Is it going back to see Mr. Shrinky after a couple of weeks of irregular sessions due to festivities? Is it simply my dammed clinically depressed brain tripping again? I’m supposed to take two happy pills in the morning and half a happy pill in the afternoon, only yesterday I forgot to take the afternoon pill, am I really that dependant on my mess (I meant to type meds, shit…) that I can’t go one evening without half a pill?

I’m feeling an oppression on my chest that’s physically hurting me. Why can’t I take it easy? Yes, there’s a lot to be done, and a lot could go bad, but if I really think about it, it couldn’t go THAT bad, all I have to do is take it step by step and everything should be fine. But still, I don’t feel like the things I have to get done are the same ones that are creating this emotional black hole that’s sucking everything in…though they may well be, only I can’t recognize them as such.

I saw Mr. Shrinky yesterday. Hadn’t been to therapy only since last Wednesday, but I still felt like it’d been ages since we last met. I almost told him I missed him! I mean, really, how lame is that!? Maybe it’s a sign I should quit therapy? He’s going away for some weeks anyway, so I could grab that chance to detach myself? I guess I’m just scared of feeling emotionally dependant, and to someone I’m paying money to for god’s sake!

Today there’s going to be a huge celebration here at school because tomorrow is Teacher’s Day in Mexico. And as you might have read before, I’m not too happy about working here right now, but I do want to celebrate with my co-workers to be doing something so important (though we are the only ones who seem to think so), only I can’t stay for the party in the evening because I have to be at Mount Olympus. I usually can’t wait for the time to leave this school and go where I really want to be, but just for today I wish I could stay here. But I can’t, as well as the open classes that are going to be a huge circus at school and pretty much what my job next school year depends on, I also have some responsibilities at the Institute that must get done before the end of June, and it feels like my head depends on me getting them done too.

You probably already noticed this post is going nowhere really, so I’m going to stop right here. But I can say I feel a little better, letting my thoughts out helped a bit. Reading back, I think I’m just reacting to stress, so I’ll probably start to feel better in a couple of weeks when some of the triggers have gone… except then it will be time to move back to the building I grew up in. But I’ll try not to think about that today, I might get a heart attack if I do.

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13 thoughts on “Infinite sadness

  1. *Safe Hugs* Don’t beat yourself up for being sad! Also, it’s perfectly normal to get attached to your therapist. If you weren’t attached the therapy would not work as well. Are you in psychodynamic therapy or another type like CBT? Psychodynamic therapy works best if you form an emotional attachment to your therapist. That is the goal-besides getting healthier!

    • You’re right. It’s just not a position I’m comfortable in, I feel very vulnerable. I’m on psychoanalysis, have been fo 1.5 years now. Can’t say I’m much happier, but I’m hell of a lot wiser lol!

  2. Infinite black hole sucking everything in. It comes and goes. I haven’t been writing much, thinking I’ll keep writing about grieving and boring everyone. Sophie is such a sweet girl with people. She’s coming out of her shell and exploring her new home. And then the tussles begin. She’s a bit aggressive with the other kitties. A willful little teenager. I have to close the door in her room at night as she becomes the night stalker. I’m going to try the crate trick next. They’ve got to learn to live together because noone’s going anywhere. I’m sorry we have a black hole. Grief and depression don’t look much different to me. Thanks for prompting me to write honestly. Maybe tomorrow will be better for us both. If not, we can spend more time petting the kitties.

    • Thank you so much for taking the time to comment. I’m glad things with Sophie are on track, and that you’ve set your foot on her staying. I’m so sorry you understand how I feel, I hope your days start getting a bit easier soon. Lots of warm hugs to you my friend. xoxo

  3. Pingback: On (not) letting go | not all about cats

  4. I don’t know why this happens.. 9 out of 10 times I can go to sleep feelin great and wake up not wanting to crawl out of bed. I don’t know if i also dream something I don’t remember that makes for a sucky day.

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