Sometimes anything’s better than nothing at all

I’ve noticed my emotions are blurring drastically. I’m not exactly sure when this started, but it’s been about a week and a half. Mr. Shrinky said he’s noticing the hideous signs of depression in me: mouth shut, absence of emotions, my chronic fatigue and exhaustion that won’t go away no matter how much sleep and/or rest I get…

My first (and only) answer to his suggestion was that I just can’t be depressed! After all, that’s why I’m on antidepressants isn’t it? I said it half-jokingly, but it was still true: what’s the point of taking medication if I keep getting depressed cyclically? Funny he didn’t answer me, even when he just should’ve stated the obvious: I may still be getting depressed, but it doesn’t last for long and I don’t crash and burn like I used to anymore. That’s something that bothers me greatly most times and others makes me thankful: the argument he needs to answer me is right there between us, it’s the white elephant in the room, and yet he won’t mention it, he just patiently waits for me to acknowledge it, whether it takes me a session or 15.

I know he’s right, and I know he was talking about two huge changes that occurred almost simultaneously in my life: I moved back to the building I grew up in, and I met my brother. I can understand the first one being something problematic, but I still don’t see it as a valid reasons for the emotional system to shut down entirely…I was going to play hooky from therapy today simply because I got nothing to talk about. I’ve spent the last two sessions almost in complete silence. It’s not that I feel bad, or sad, I just don’t feel like talking at all. Or I end up talking about books or work, I really don’t see the point in that! But well, I’m going. If it happens again, I’ll definitely know I have to take a break.

In other news, I’m just a week away from vacations at school, and I’m free from the journals as of Monday, yay! I reeeally hope this time-off will help me get used to the changes, as well as being at home helps my poor Silvester overcome his depression. I’ve already ordered him tons of Felliway (you know, the cat pheromone that helps them relax in stressful/extreme situations). I feel so guilty for not buying it soon enough, but I’m glad he’s going to have that chemical back-up to start feeling safe.

As for the other kitties… let’s just say they’re doing allright 🙂


One thought on “Sometimes anything’s better than nothing at all

  1. Personally, when I suffer a change of any kind it’s almost as if I get kicked out of my comfort box and my emotions are either playing catch up or they’re trying to decide whether we need to fight or flee. Staying quiet and calm, is way better than the outbursts, but the numbness can be just as painful for those of us who suffer from it. Knowing the answer to the problem…doesn’t make it better but it does give you more control over who you are and who you are becoming. Perspective…changes everything.

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