…and I keep throwing them away.
Maybe I’ll never graduate. Maybe I’m supposed to be an ESL elementary school teacher forever. I’m starting to get comfy in my teacher jumper. I’m starting to see myself doing this in the long run. On the other hand, I can’t see myself graduating anymore. PhD? Ha! Please! It’s easier to see myself working half-ass jobs than to see myself writing for a living. Well… not entirely true I guess. Been thinking about pursuing a career in the editorial business. I think I have enough knowledge to put a foot on the door just before they try to slam it in my face. It would be much easier if I graduated though…
Why is it that the last bit is the hardest? I’m sick of my thesis, I despise it, I dream about burning it while having a crazy-deranged-Disney’s-villain burst of laughter. I keep planning time for working on it, then I do something else. Then I regret not working on it, then I force myself to sit with it but can’t fucking do anything anyways. Then a whole month and a half has passed and it’s freakin’ thesis seminar all over again. And I don’t do the readings, and I don’t care. You know what I care about? There’s a colloquy I want to go to. To keep it short, I’d say it’s about XX century historiography. Still a sucker for it, can’t help myself. Marc Bloch, Michel de Certeau, Richard Rorty, Hayden White, François Hartog too I think (didn’t see George Duby though, how dare they?!). Reading the program was almost making me salivate.
At least this is one thing my thesis has helped me learn. I think I’m not so much into history itself as much as I’m into the ways history is written. History theory was my most favorite subject in college, I don’t think I’ve ever done more further reading than during the semesters I took it, in a way I think I’m still doing it. And that’s what my thesis is about, the way gender history was built. Little by little, article by article, administration by administration, I try to track its birth, growth, and development in what I think is the most prestigious t Latin American history journal.
Wow, I guess I don’t hate my thesis that much lol. Also, I think this is the first time I’ve actually spent more than two words explaining what the Frankenthesis is about really. Maybe I need to do this more often, remember I hate the idea of a thesis, not the theme itself. I did choose it for a reason…I hope.
Anyways, rant over. I have so much to tell and say but I have to try to have some sleep, hope to be back later.