My last post was written exactly 2 weeks ago, and I hate that. I’m going to work on posting at least once a week. I’ve also noticed that what little I’ve been writing, I’ve been doing so on Sunday evenings. I guess it’s my reflection moment of the week. To be more accurate, is one of my week’s reflective moments, but the only one that reaches me when I have enough time and will to turn into a post.
Two weeks are not much, and yet a lot has happened. Fed up with pain and swelling on my left hand, which only add up to the rest of the problems I’ve already had on my right one, I’ve been putting things in order to get mu surgery done (this means I’ve had to be asking for $ and support from people, not exactly a day in the park for me). When I came to see my orthopedist to start getting things ready, he found even more problems than the ones we were aware of, so he asked me to get the usual pre-surgery labs done but threw a whole bunch of weird studies for me to get done… he wanted to discard lupus or any kind of rheumatic disease including rheumatic fever.
Truth be told, after the word “lupus” was thrown in I lost connection to what he was saying. I had no idea there could be a rheumatic kind of lupus. Hell, to me, the word rheumatic just meant that you could get rusty on summer, but oh boy! When one googles, one finds shit 😥 And shit will probably be scary and traumatic. My appointment with the doctor was on Monday afternoon (the day after my last post actually) but I couldn’t get the tests done until Saturday morning ’cause I had to be fasted and without having brushed my teeth for the previous 8 hours, and then the results didn’t come back until past Wednesday so I had a whole week and a half to fill up my head with ghosts and what-ifs, but I didn’t want to, so unless I was working I pretty much spent that time sleeping.
In the end my results came back normal, so all I have to get done now is a hand MRI and wait for the insurance to approve the papers for my surgery… which is also not great but much better than the alternative: STILL getting surgery with extra painful recovery included, PLUS an autoimmune disease.
As I was telling Mr. Shrinky on Friday, with little emotion (as I seem to have lost all of them for the time being)*, that I was indeed glad not to have lupus or anything likewise, I realized this leaves me again questioning what exactly is wrong with me and my hands: apparently I’ve damaged the exact same ligament on my left wrist as I previously did on the right one, and this is not a common injury; and as I don’t really practice any kind of sport or activity that involves considerable use the use of my wrists, it is pretty strange how they got to be injured in this exact way.
Speaking out loud about these questions gave a cue for Mr. Shrinky to say something I bet he’d been wanting to say for some time: “So now it’s up to us -me and him- to find out here why this is happening to you, and to your hands”. Arrgghh! A statement like that really tests my tolerance with what I consider to be the line between the therapeutically objective issues, and the esoteric shenanigans I usually set myself aside from.
So that’s more or less where I am right now. I haven’t even talked about the more personal issues I’ve dealing with, but I hope to do so during the week, and then to be catching up on what used to be my blogging schedule.
Lots of hugs y’all!
*On the bright side, this lack of feelings has given me an almost anxiety/angst-free existence, so I guess it has been a break in a way.