I matter, even if I don’t to you

Yesterday I had breakfast with L. We’ve being seen each other most weeks ever since he came back from Europe. Last time we met (two weeks ago, thanks to a dum tantrum I pulled that had much more to do with my issues than with him directly) we talked about letting the father know we’ve been in touch for some time, and I was glad he was taking the role of doing it since I didn’t feel any urge at all of doing so, even when I felt it was a necessary step. He asked if I wanted him to say something in particular, I said I didn’t, that I just wanted him to know in a FYI kind of matter.

So over at out last breakfast L told me he’d done it. I of course wanted to know all about it, though apparently there wasn’t much to tell, only more pain and anger to be felt… According to my brother, the father didn’t show the minimum sign of emotion on either side of the scale, and it seems he thought words were gratuitous too as he just uttered it was only right we were in touch as we were siblings, while expressing concern about L been discreet with our his sister, and his mother.

The father also said he knew I had a new job in the same school where he attended elementary. (Yeah… fucking destiny biting me in the ass, guess I “forgot” to blog about that lol). Now, this last bit of information he possessed baffled me as I certainly didn’t give it to him, nor had I thought anyone else had either. Apparently the father presented this information to L as if it had been me who told him, and even went on to suggest he’d talked to me sometime in the past couple of months.

Now, while the first information might be an honest confusion (which I doubt as the father is not only a very smart man, but a lawyer I might add), the second one is a flat-out lie. At first I thought it might be a misunderstanding too, he might have thought he’d talked to me recently when in reality it was longer ago, so I didn’t push it any further with L. However, upon thinking a little more about it, I realized I haven’t talked to the man at the very least since October 2012.  That’s 11 months for christ’s sake! There is no way he could confuse a couple of months with a whole year! He might be older now, but I’m more than sure his ability to measure time, together with every other mind-related ability, is just fine. In any case, I didn’t ask more on the matter during my chat with L. It was only later when I thought about all these that I insisted on knowing whether or not he had shown any kind of interest in me. He didn’t.

Later that day I went on with my inquiries about how he had come to know where I am working currently. Turns out the mother told him when he called her some days ago. When I asked why the fuck she hadn’t thought I might have wanted to know about it, she said she forgot. Surely it didn’t seem the least bit relevant for her to let me know she shared information with him about me which I wasn’t ready to do myself. And why in the world would he ever consider calling me to discuss the matter, even if it was only to comment on how crazy the world is? After all, I’m just the bastard am I not? What do I care, and why would he care?

At the end of the day I’m not even that pissed (though I’m aware I sound like I am), I’m just terribly hurt that both my parents show such a big indifference towards my person, my existence, and my feelings. No wonder I have trouble valuing myself, when the people who were supposed to value me the most in the world step over me like I’m worth nothing.

And I know there’s not even a point in discussing this with them, the will always deny it because they’re so proud to even admit they could be capable of such cruelty towards their daughter. It would be like explaining the difference between blue and green to a person who was born blind. So it is up to me to solve this within myself, I don’t know how in the world I’m going to get out of this one, but I have to say I am proud of one thing: some time ago, this whole thing would’ve had me falling down a spiral of self-hatred and maybe even self-harm. Today I’m able to live with these strong, painful feelings of rejection. I may not yet be able to work through them right away, or even at moderate speed, but I don’t feel they’re crawling beneath my feet to knock me over.

family

P.S.

Some  A little  Recognition is due to Mr. Shrinky for helping me translate these feelings into words during today’s session. It seems as if a couple of years in therapy account for something.

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14 thoughts on “I matter, even if I don’t to you

  1. I would hate to think of you in a place of self harm and hatred, especially since your actually an amazingly dynamic, brilliant young woman, teacher, dissertation writing soon to be scholar. Anyone not fortunate to have you in there live by there own choice doesn’t deserve you.
    Best wishes
    Benjamin

  2. (((Chatt)))) I heartily approve of the title of this post. I am sorry as I know firsthand how painful parental neglect is, it eats away at our sense of self because if our own parents don’t care, who will? I am glad that you are discovering that while our parents can treat us in a manner that makes us believe the lie that we do not matter or have worth, they cannot change the truth that we are worthwhile and matter. It is they who fail to recognize or act on the truth. But that doesn’t have to stop you from doing so. I hope this sense of your own worth continues to grow. xx AG

  3. Parental neglect… Sigh. Been there, done that and you know what? YOu matter! YOu deserve to be treated with respect! You deserve to be cherished… and so do I. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise!

  4. These words…

    “I’m just terribly hurt that both my parents show such a big indifference towards my person, my existence, and my feelings. No wonder I have trouble valuing myself, when the people who were supposed to value me the most in the world step over me like I’m worth nothing”

    …resonate the most for me. It is infuriating. I enjoyed reading your post – you are very talented

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