Chronicle of a distrained session

Today I went to see the she-shrink (previously known as N in this blog). I was determined to talking about my meds and why they haven’t changed in the two years I’ve been seeing her. But apparently, that wasn’t enough of a subject for her. She wanted to know what had happened with me during the last month. It was one of the hardest things I’ve done in weeks, but I tried to explain how miserable I’ve being. And you know what? She wouldn’t have it!

How could I be feeling this way, when so many “good” things are happening? I got a better job, I just went to Cabo, I met my brother, I’m thriving and growing! I was getting more pissed and pissed as she went on. I said none of those things matter to me most of the time, “It’s just I have the emotional range of a carrot these days N!”, she answered “Not even you believe that Chatte!”… I mean, god! Hasn’t she ever heard of metaphors? MAN! You’d think for a “doctor of the mind” she’d be a little less literal. But anyways, the session went on with her trying to guess what “happened” that made me feel this way. She wouldn’t have me telling her this has been growing on me for months either, and I had absolutely no wish of telling her about this little incident, so we were at an impasse.

Then I went on to talk about the meds, what if they’re making me feel this way? And I don’t want to take them anymore, I don’t see how her anti-depressivness are helping in any way. She said it wasn’t a good idea to drop them because I have very high highs and very low lows and the crazy pills help me level them. I said ok, but “I cannot take that darn Prozac a single more day, I mean it! Taking it every morning after two straight years only reminds me I’m a failure and I’m not getting any better”. She then agreed to “change” them, though in reality she just gave me an extra med. I silently accepted the sample box she handed me, and went home.

And now, after (obviously) researching all I can about this new med, I find it’s prescribed for schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Really N? I get that she might want to use the med as an off-label alternative, but she could’ve handled it better, she could’ve let me know what the “official” uses were. And now I have so many questions! Why would she choose not to prescribe a regular antidepressant after I’ve been on the most traditional of them all for the past two years? Is she really going to substitute one for the other or what she aims for is to combine both?

I read that people who take this thing for the first time end of sleeping for even a whole day, and I can’t afford that ’cause I got a job, so I’m gonna take just half a pill. I’d ask, but as she isn’t to keen on keeping me in the light, I’m not either on approaching her unless it’s absolutely unavoidable.

I’ll report on my findings later I guess…

And why the change of name from N to she-shrink? I think the first one doesn’t do her, or our relationship for that matter, much justice. A letter doesn’t reflect how distant she is, or how stiff the way we relate can be. With her, it’s like the relationship is so worn out that I don’t even try anymore, and I don’t want to share personal things no matter how hard she tries. I always think I’ve let all the history between us go, but sometimes the moment I enter her office something switches and I’m on defense mode. This time, it was the new secretary. She recently changed offices and whereas she used to be alone and see her patients in a house turned shrinks offices, now she’s in a full-on doctor’s building. I pressed the buzzer, and she wasn’t the one who answer, I had to go into a waiting room with magazines and business cards, where the secretary called her through the commuter to let her know I had arrived; for me, this was almost as shocking as if she had received me in a white gown. Had I noticed this before, I would’ve mentioned it I guess, but it’s only now that I realize how uncomfortable the whole thing was for me.

For now, I have another frustrating session behind me, though hopefully I’ll be able to fix this talking, as I don’t feel as other times, when I even intended to stop going at all.

22 thoughts on “Chronicle of a distrained session

  1. Sounds like a bit of a nightmare. Is there no way of requesting a new psychiatrist? I used to have a therapist who would say things like:
    “Oh that happened to me once too!” I felt like shaking her and telling her that it was supposed to be ‘me time’. In the end I got her changed because she just acted like a child. I don’t know how easy that would be for you though?

    On another, unrelated note – I love the name of your blog!

    • Thanks for the comment! The thing about this shrink is that I was sent there by my psychoanalyst, who had refused to work with anyone else regarding my case. Since I described this last session though, he’s changed he’s mind about it, so I’m gonna give another shot and if the next session still doesn’t work, he’s agreed to refer me to someone else.

  2. Meds do a number on you when recently prescribed. Not every medication is for every patient. I reacted horribly with some of my earlier medications. It took months for us (my shrink and I) to get the them “just right”.

  3. it really sounds to me you need to find a new shrink. i would suggest finding 3 or so that sound ok, then having initial appointments with each where you ask questions about how they work, what their protocol is, basically where you see their philosophy of treating and interacting with patients, and so you can decide which one is best for you. if none of the first 3 or so are, then see 3 more. you can still see mr. shrinky and she-shrink while you interview potential new shrinks. this is what i have had to do after 7 yrs of feeling like i wasn’t getting anything helpful from the one i had. i have done this with my regular doc too. i think its great to meet them and then interview them and then pick the one you like, instead of always being frustrated and feeling not helped at all.

    good luck no matter what you do, and i hope you find a way to talk this out maybe with friends or boyfriend or just in your head…(((hugs)))

    • Thanks Kat! After talking this over with Me. Shrinky, I’ve agreed to give it just one more chance, but if the next session (when the change of meds will have had effect) still doesn’t work out well, I’m going to start looking. Hugs back!!!

  4. Sometimes we can feel bad regardless of all the positive things. It is important not to beat ourselves up over feeling down – sounds like the Psychiatrist hasn’t grasped that.

    It sounds like she has put you on an anti-psychotic/mood-stabiliser. I was put on one – Quetiapine – about 18 months ago and it really did change my life. Yes, things are still bad but they don’t seem as hopeless and dark. It’s probably best if you introduce yourself gradually.

    It’s true that the action of having to take meds every day can feel soul destroying; like we are prisoners to depression. I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that sometimes meds are necessary.

    In my experience, Psychiatrists are always distant and cold. I’ve just been writing my last two posts about my own experiences with one in particular – he almost drove me to suicide!

    The new building and procedure for calling the Psychiatrist do not sound very good. In fact I would have been pissed about that.

    • wow Cat, you surprised me! That is the exact medication I got, and you’ve really helped me calm down about it, even gave me some hope of things actually getting better, thanks for that. As for the whole situation with there, I’m giving it just one more chance and see if things seem to get better there too. xoxo

  5. When I first started Quetiapine, I took 25mg for a few days, then 50mg for a further few days. My old Psychiatrist then increased the meds to 200mg and two weeks later I was on 400mg. The thing about Questiapine is that people can feel off their face for a few weeks until tolerance builds, which happens quickly in comparison to other drugs. This is why I am suggesting you introduce it gradually. I hope you find it as positive as I have. I was also on antidepressant until recent months, so I imagine your pdoc intends for you to stay on Prozac. I feel exactly the same about taking meds – it feels like a ball and chain to our illness. However, sometimes it is necessary for us to function. That’s not to say it is forever, but if it keeps our moods in check, then meds are only a small price to pay. Good luck with it, Chatte

    • Actually, reading the comments answered that question. You aren’t feeling better–time to change the analyst? There’s a limit to how much meds can accomplish (and some of the research on anti-depressants suggests they may be no better than a placebo), but the talk-therapy should help. If you aren’t getting better, I’d be more inclined to rethink the talk therapy. (I spent 11 years talking to my psychiatrist about current events and the state of education. I recommend that approach. Weather and the Blue Jays. That’s where it’s at with docs. Surface. Stay at the surface.)

    • Yeap, I go to psychotherapy 3 tiems a week. I started seeing Mr. Shrinky almost 2 years ago, and he sent me to her to support my treatment almost immediately. However she and I have too many rounds on our shoulders, and I’m not sure if the baggage is getting too heavy to continue with her (I’ve only done so at Mr. Shrinky’s insistence).

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