It’s been 20 days since I moved out and it hasn’t been a single day, moment, or instant I have not loved it. However, the bubble has indeed burst. I just received a saddening little letter from the father, I’ve also been less than an excellent employee (let alone teacher), and my routine -or lack there of- is affecting both me and the kitties as well.
I’ll discuss the last item first: I never eat at proper times, nor I brush my teeth, shower, or change my clothes as an adult would be expected to. I mean, it’s not like I’ve suddenly become Gargamel, but I do these things only when I remember to do them, not when I’d be supposed to. The same happens with my sleep hours and all other structures around it: I fall asleep with my clothes on and only sometimes wake up to put on my pi’s and get inside the covers. I’m not taking my meds either, not taking my contacts off most nights. In short: I’m a fucking mess.
As for my job, I guess it’s all in the same realm: I’ve been late more than I’ve been on time, I’m not handing in stuff when I should, and I’ve even gone to the excess of losing my grades record, which is a huge deal.
And finally the father. I saw L tonight to have some coffee, and when he dropped me off gave me an envelope sent to me by our father. It contained a letter saying he wasn’t going to be able to keep helping me economically as he has sporadically done in the past couple of years. The topic of the letter didn’t really bother me, I’ve never relied on this “help” and I think I’m even glad he’s not going to be poking his head around my life now and then. What affected me the most was the means he chose to communicate this to me: a sealed letter (it was an envelope INSIDE another envelope) sent by mail to L with instructions to hand in to me when he saw me.
Fuck, if he can’t even pick up the phone to tell me something as simple as that, I’d prefer he didn’t do it at all. I already wrote a reply -which I’ll send via mail, as I’m not planning on turning L a message boy as he so readily did- where I tell him I’m not the least bit surprised, as I’ve been aware for so many years that I’ve no space in his life or his heart, let alone his wallet. I mention a lot I never said to him, for example how sad it is that the two people who were supposed to love me and protect me unconditionally, have been the very same ones who have hurt me the most and exposed me to situations which will leave me scared for a long time to come.
I realize I’ve written a harsh letter, but I honestly have no intention of reproaching or blaming, I just know these are things I have to say to my parents. I’ve reached a stage where they need to know what they did to me, and they need to hear it from me, and this is something I’m doing for myself without even expecting any kind of response at all. I didn’t write those words hoping to get any particular reaction or to provoke feelings of any king and frankly, I’m convinced not only that that’s his problem, but that there’ll be hardly anything else, if anything, than a sigh when he’s alone.
In the end, it actually feels like I’m letting some of the weight on my back go, like this is yet another cycle I’m closing this year, and that’s great for me, so I guess even when the bubble popped, it only did so to show me that things won’t be easy, but I’m ready for them…as long as I manage to get on my pi’s every night I guess 🙄