Last time I wrote (feels like ages I must admit), I talked about a letter I got from the male procreator. I wrote back. I would not use any kind of messenger so I put it in an envelope, pasted a stamp on it, and put it in the mailbox, the ol’ fashioned way.
Got your letter. Do not worry, I understand this perfectly. In fact I understand it better than we both would like. How could I expect you to have a place in your wallet for me when you never had one either in heart or your life? That’s way this help was never something I truly relied on and took it more as an “extra” that I could sometimes get a hold on, no more.
It is however a shame, and a little pathetic, that you couldn’t even pick up the phone to tell me this. Please excuse the word I chose to describe your action but I just can’t find one that better describes it. Did I really absolutely have to receive your message from L, in a personal envelope inside a commercial one used for a magazine subscription, as if trying to conceal the whole thing? Are you really that afraid of me? Or is it just the absolute disdain you hold for me? These are two honest questions because around me, you’ve always been so gelid and hermetic that I truly have no idea what you think of me.
Again, I’m sorry for the harsh words, but I still have to say them to you because they are true and are not spoken to hurt you, but to make you see, maybe for the first time, how your actions and attitudes towards me affect me. I appreciate the economic help you provided in the last couple of years, and I know I have to thank it, because it came in no way naturally from you and you would’ve wished to deny it. That help did not come from the heart, but from guilt, or maybe the belated responsibility you barely even took care of…
The point is that with that help I was able to access a therapeutic healing I would not have gotten in any other way, the kind of help you need when you have full awareness that the only two people who where supposed to love and protect me with all their hearts, are actually the ones who have hurt me the most and caused me the most problems in life.
I’d tell you about my achieved goals and about what’s going on with me right now, but you didn’t even ask about them so I will spare my ink and our time in sharing them to you. Because you have decided systematically to not be in my life. Today, I can put that fact aside and still live my life to its fullest despite the pain this causes me.
I can now understand that I’m not the one to blame for you not wanting anything to do with me. It’s not that I’m not lovable, it’s really the other way around: it is you who are con capable of loving me. Sadly, I’m very well aware of the loss this implies for both of us.
I would have loved nothing more than to see you at my wedding, or when my children are born, or when I get the recognition I’ve worked so hard for. But I never will. And it’s you who wanted it that way; no matter how much that decision of yours has caused me pain, I also understand it was never made by me, and I was never given a choice.
Again, let me be clear about my intention: I’m not writing this to you to reproach or lecture you in any way. I’m telling you all this because it’s all part of the very past I’m trying to overcome, and I refuse to do it by hiding it under the rug where it will continue to rot until it poisons me. No, I will take it out into the sun for it to dry and ware, because that’s the way it will lose its power.
Finally, I want to ask you very firmly for one thing: whenever you want or need to reach me, do it so directly. I will never ignore or reject your communications. You are supposed to have my contact information, but in case you’ve misplaced it, here it is: *Address / Mobile Number / Home Number/ e-mail.
Despite everything, I love you.
If it’s not much trouble, I’d appreciate a confirmation that you got this message.
Man did I need to be heard. And as I solicited, I got a confirmation two weeks later: “I received today the letter you sent me. I’m taking close note of what you say. Regards.”