Made it out alive

What are your 2013 resolutions?

For me, I definitely hope to finish the-thesis-that-must-not-be-named, I’ll be damned if I don’t! By the way, Mr. Shrinky and I re-named it the Frankenthesis, ’cause it’s my creation turned against me. I was just watching a movie about a girl who got in a car accident and ended up quadraplegic when she was in junior high ans STILL managed to get into Harvard and get her dissertation done in a flash WITH summa cum laude honors and then went on to a P.H.D. and a postdoctoral stay at who knows where. I mean, come on! Give me a break here! The quadraplegic gets summa cum laude and I can’t finish a four chapter thesis!*

My other resolution (yeah, I don’t trust me so I’m gonna keep it at two) is to loose all the weight I’ve gained in this last depressive time. It sucks to have such a common resolution, but my weight is really something that’s keeping me from enjoying stuff, for example my last trip to the beach. I want my skinny body back, and I’ll get it for me as my birthday gift at any cost.

There was another thing I wanted to add to the list, but I’m not sure when and if I’ll get it done, so I’m gonna leave it in the wish-category. I wish my depression goes away. Like, for good. I’m tired of the ups and downs, of the triggers, of the self-harm, of hating so deeply the way I look… I wish I could be done with it all. I don’t expect to be done with my healing path, I’m well aware that’s a lifetime project and that’s why I’m committing to stay in therapy (maybe I’ll even add it to the resolutions list just so I don’t start wanting to quit as soon as I feel a little better), but I do wish I could go about it in healthier ways. Soon. In other words, I wish life wasn’t so hard all of the damn time.

In the meantime, I’ve made it out in one piece of one of a very difficult time of the year. Now I just have to survive New Year’s Eve and then I’ll be happy to celebrate I made it out alive of 2012 and its celebrations.

‘Til next time!

*I should add, in case needed, I by no means intend to offend anyone with my remark, I just want to point out how bumming it is to find someone who has such overwhelming obstacles and still manages to strive and achieve so much, while yours truly, with much more ordinary hurdles, can’t manage to get a sad little thesis done.

The nightmare before, during and after Halloween

The-thesis-that-must-not-be-named keeps haunting me like the worst kind of Halloween spook. I simply don’t know why I can’t get on with it, and what’s worse is that I’m actually starting to imagine a life without graduation…after all I already have a job I moderately enjoy and that keeps me from begging for money on the street. What I don’t think I could live with is

The past few months have been a rough ride, and if I were a little sympathetic with me I’d accept I’m still healing from the mayor crisis I went trough, the real problem here is that the rest of the world is not going to be as nice, and it’s  more likely to keep pushing and pushing and pushing until I break or bend. I like to write, and tough I don’t have time to sit around doing nothing I could certainly manage an hour or two a day to work on my it, so why the hell I run away from it like it was the plague is beyond me. And it’s not even like I forget about it, because I get absolutely no moment of peace, my mind is never really free from it and I can never say, like I used to when I was in college, “well, I’ve worked x amount of time so I’m gonna relax for x amount of time”, come to think about it, I never truly relax because I have this huge weight on my back that I could but won’t lift from myself, it’s freaking masoquism!

On a totally related note, perhaps becuase of the cramps it’s causing me, here in Mexico we’re a month away from Enrique Peña Nieto’s ceremony to officially take office. I say officially, because the current president has basically stopped pretending to have any authority left. I remember six years ago I was hysterical because I had no doubt Calderón’s election was a fraud; this time around I’m quietly watching the political changes go by, not because I’m happy with them, but because I cannot honestly claim without the election was a fraud.

Peña Nieto’s party bought the election, that’s definetely truth, but is was the mexicans who decided to sell their votes for groceries, and since everybody knew beforehand that our electoral institutions are a sad joke, it’s no surprise there was no punishment for these actions.

On December 1st, when EPN becomes Mexico’s president, I will not be angry, I’m just gonna be terribly sad because my country got the president it deserves…

Writing Ghosts

Ever since I can remember stories have been holding me together. Wether in the form of small plots or entire novels I would create for myself, mere day dreams or elaborated fantasies, there has been a world inside of me with varying levels of importance depending on how much I’ve needed it to survive.

The first elaborated story I remember writing was some sort of foundational myth with gods and wars and Creation, and it all resumed in the Universe creating me and my mother. I was 6 or 7 and have no idea where my story went.  But though the imagination has stopped at times, the writing has been a continuum. My narrative certainly became scarce when my adoration for literature grew more and more, making me realize I had no job competing with my idols; however, the physical action of the writing in itself gives me a sutil pleasure I’m not sure I can effectively describe.

The futile action of holding and using any kind writing device makes my heart beat in a different way. It can be a pen, marker, preferably a pencil, and even a keyboard… anything goes; and when I’m feeling low, the very words that are ripped out of me through the chosen item seem to have a life of their own. The therapeutic sound and the feel of the tip of the pencil sliding rhythmically as I write, or the touch of my fingers dancing through the keyboard making what to me sounds like music, is sometimes good enough to uncover and free whatever demons have been feasting on me.

The thing is, those are the exact kind of writings I seem to be unable of sharing because they expose me in the deepest way. That’s also the reason why I think most of my idols were not only amazing writers but absolute heroes, because they were brave enough to share themselves and their inner world with outsiders, with strangers who might praise on their work and whom’d tear it apart in a second. As for me, I think I might be something of a Gollum-like writer, holding my precious close to my heart while hiding it in deep dark caverns that no one should ever find.

Aaanyhow, that’s the reason why my attempt of a blog wasn’t updated lately, and so before this turned out to be just another thing I started and never saw through, I thought I should write about NOT writing, well, at least not writing for anyone else except me.

And my three faithful readers might be asking just exactly what has gotten me off my blogger mood in the past few days. Well, to keep with my Lord of the Rings analogy let me just say that I feel like the war against the Dark Lord has just been lost. No one came in our help and we were simply outnumbered. As I see it, Mexico has been lost to Mordor and we are just gonna have to learn to live under the regime of dark wizards and their orcs, while knowing we had the chance to end it all for good and we decided not to.

Election day came and went, and after the electoral prosecutor’s office has basically declared that anything goes and nothing’s gonna be made about it, Mexico’s gonna have to put up with a president 60% of mexican voters did not choose. A man accused of murder, a proven repressor, with no political career and who could not mention 3 books read by him, is going to rule over me, woohoo!

Sure, AMLO is a bad looser, if it means not putting up with fraud and resisting an election which was bought vote by vote. Being a “good” looser would then mean to act as the female PAN candidate, who recognized her loss with only 2% of the votes accounted for and who has not spoken a word against the proven vote-buying and constraint.

Ha, I think I managed to trick myself, started talking about me and my demons, ended up talking about my country’s demons… guess mine have locked themselves up for the night, and I’m gonna let them tuck me in ’cause I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, and so does Mr. Sylvestre Bombon, who left the realm of the awake a while ago.Image

Electoral Pourdown

I just came back from voting both for federal and local elections. There hasn’t been a single sunbeam today, and at least here in Mexico City we have our very own electoral downpour in the most literal way. I’ve been out checking different spots where people are voting, and was pleased to see so many people getting in line to have their saying despite of cold and rain. However, the reports coming in from the rest of the country are far from being positive; there has been word of violence, of vote coercion, of voting stands sacked and/or blocked, and a big number of other democratic disgraces.

This reassures my worries expressed on one of my past posts: that the election could easily be corrupted. Well actually, that already happened and I have no doubt about it; I guess my concern today is that this is going to affect the result of the election. It’s just so sad to think we have an electoral system that’s very well designed but that it doesn’t because no one really protects it from being tampered with. Not even the institutions created for that. The EPN-Televisa media scandal is no such thing here in Mexico, and despite of all the coverage done in The Guardiannot a single institution has done something about it.

The other big scandal, also by EPN’s party, has been the distribution of so-called gift cards from a bank called MONEX, likely intended to either buy votes or give financial aid to coercion skims. Appropriate complaints were maid by the other two important parties (PAN and PRD) both at the Electoral Federal Institute (IFE) and the Specialized Prosecutor’s Office for Electoral Crimes (FEPADE), and at least the PAN partie demanded that the MONEX account from which the plastics were being funded was frozen until the day after July 1st and further investigations could be done. The authority held an inquiry and concluded that the account was indeed being used for ilegal financing, but as it (allegedly) couldn’t be proved that this unauthorized budget would be used to buy or coerce voters, the account was not frozen and further inquiries will be made only after the election process is over. That is, until the ilegal money may and probably will have irreversibly affected the election. (You can read some more about it here)

So today, just as the weather, the election has been gloomy, and does not promise a single sunlight in the horizon. The sky cried all over us today, and it’s been the saddest election I’ve been witness of. To think about it only makes it worse because it reminds me that today should be a public festivity. We should be celebrating our obtained right and obligation of deciding what to do with our country, the only one we’ll have, the one we should be looking out for. But perhaps the gloominess is not so bad, maybe today we have been given a taste of our own medicine. People need to start realizing that democracy is not getting out on one day every six years to cross out a sign on a paper. That’s only a small part of what we should be doing.

The #YoSoy132 movement was enormous, but it seems like it  wasn’t enough or it didn’t have enough time.  Not that it’s its fault, because it’s only a reflection of the stupor on which the mexican electorate stood for the most part of the last term. If everything we hope does not happen our job will be to spread the knowledge and the awareness. On the other hand if everything, or at least some, of what we hope actually does happen, our job will be exactly the same.

P.S.

I found a nice blog to read more about mexican elections, check out The Mex Files and its post “Democracy Interrupted?

Also, I’m so glad to have been recipient of littleprince68‘s generousity, who nominated this still very new project for the The Versatile Blogger and Sunshine Awards.

Countdown to hell

At what point does writing stop being a hobby and become an obligation? At what level should you care? Did I leave the car door opened?… These are the kind of questions I have tried to keep myself busy with, but it’s becoming quite difficult so I resorted to my very last way out: Science Fiction. However, after watching Alien and halfway through Aliens (for the non-initiated that’s the second part of the saga) I had to accept that poor acting and jalapeño popcorn just weren’t gonna cut it for me.

Fact is election day is this Sunday, and I’m not the least bit excited, maybe because I’ve been busy freaking out about it. We got a lot to loose, and some very dark people have a lot to gain from whatever happens on that day. The once (and hopefully not soon to be) State party PRI has been caught over and over again in nasty stunts to get voters, and you’d have to be quite blind no to see all the different ways that is election has become tainted, and still experience has shown us mexicans that no matter how filthy and election is proven to be, results will be upheld.

In fact, I’d dare to say there hasn’t been one clean federal election in Mexico’s history. Not that every single one of them has been a fraud, not obvious ones in any case. No, what I mean is that there’s always the ghostly figure of vote buyers, of threats against uneducated people to make them vote a certain way, of endless tricks and obscure possibilities to make and election’s result tilt a specific way, as you can see here or here.

Still not everything’s lost, and hopefully the left wing candidate has learned his lessons from last election and has acquired a better defense mechanism against such threats… it’s just sad that he has to. There’s an incredible amount of problems to be solved immediately in Mexico, and it would be kind of relieving another huge one on our backs.

*You can also further your reading a bit more here

Overwhelmed

Tired of my ocasional but not uncommon complaints about all the different ways I feel sick, my mother said one thing I sure didn’t want to hear: “You should go get a general check-out”, to which of course I acted as if I hadn’t heard a thing. Not that unexpectedly, I now get to be nagged about this topic every now and then, even when I’ve been forced to keep all my ailments to myself.

Though I would indeed love the headaches and cramps and all of my weirder achaques to go away, I think I’m just not willing to do what it takes for them to do so. And no, I haven’t just tapped the center of my self-knowledge to realize this, but I got to be laughed at (one of the possible reactions I usually get when I forget to translate my thoughts into outer-world language) when after another unwanted motherly exhortation I simply added I would at the very least wait until election day is over AND I’ve come to terms with the result, whatever this may be (btw, that took about four years with last election).

So, after being momentarily puzzled about the laughter I provoked, I thought maybe I should take political matters out of my head for a day or two, and what do I get? Bam! Working on the-thesis-that-must-not-be-named like I hadn’t for weeks. Surely, that lasted until right about now, but still, it oughtta mean good news right?

Aaanyhow, today I woke up and realized that election day is only a week away, and we’re only four days away (thank you sweet lord!!) of stop being hammered with spots and adds and campaign lies promises, and that is supposed to be good news. Except it isn’t.

Of course I want some candidates to stop telling me why I should vote for them when I know I won’t. Of course I want other candidates to stop telling me to vote for them because I know I will! My decision was taken months ago and nobody scared me into it, which is what most of these people try to do and that’s the kind of votes most of this campaigns prey on.

However, the only thing I can predict for sure is that on July 2 there will be chaos. It can be happy chaos, or it can be angry, violent chaos. And the odds don’t look too good for different reasons. First of all, very few can honestly say they trust those odds, no matter what candidate or party they support, and that’s the same story for the institutions that are supposed to protect us mexicans from yet another fraud, nobody can honestly say they’re not vulnerable.

Secondly, and this is the reason that provokes my biggest concern, there could actually be a clean election and that could also mean we’re screwed. It’s been proven that the most the most educated people in Mexico, have supported AMLO; universities, colleges, academic institutes, and almost every intellectual leader have claimed their support the left party candidate (not his party though, but that’s another bedtime story I’ll save for later), and that should mean something very big for society. Not that they’re votes are more important than the ones coming from popular sections of the population, not at all. In fact it’s  just the other way around. However, when such a chunk of a society is backing one same candidate, and this chunk happens to be the most informed in the country, no matter its size, it should mean something, because these people should be leaders in their communities.

Quite sadly this is not the case… the real leaders are soap actors and their TV stations, journalists who act like soap opera characters, and millions of plastic box cases in which these people say and show what they were bought and paid to. These are the real opinion leaders, and the other section of society who is strongly persuaded of the dangers of EPN winning the election may write and talk and march all they want, and it will still be a miracle if they’re able to reach the millions who can’t open a newspaper, the ones who do but do’t go beyond the headlines, and specially the ones who trust Televisa and TV Azteca to tell them what’s happening, what’s good and what’s bad…and what they should be afraid of. The mystery is how many of those people really exist, how many will we be able to reach before it’s too late.

Sure, there are polls and surveys and all kinds of democratic measuring instruments, but it’s not likely that anybody would ask or respond honestly to questions like “Are you unable of forming a political opinion by yourself?”, “Do you believe everything you hear if the TV says so?”, and so on. So we can’t really know how many of these guys are really out there, and it looks that that number could make the difference on this election.

I’ll further my thoughts later on today, ’cause right now there’s a cat plot to keep me from working, and one gets eventually tired of pushing kitties away from the keyboard and erasing their mindful contributions off the screen.