Very inspiring blogger award 2013

A couple of weeks ago, two people thought of me when they received this award, and I’m so honored especially since this two bloggers are an inspiration for my life everyday,  you should definitely check out their sites. I’m talking about Benjamin Prewitt at benjaminprewitt.com, a great artist who shares with the world his amazing art and his daily struggles with young onset Parkinson’s disease; and Valentina at En el Jardín de los Elefantes, who finds and shares incredible and inspiring images.Now I’m supposed to share some facts about me. I’ve decided to do a sort of basic-facts-about-me list, so excuse me if you know this stuff already:

1. My favorites in the whole world:

-Books: The Little Prince (Antoine de Saint-Exupéry) and The Lover (Marguerite Duras)

-Animals: Cats       -Music: Fito Páez       -Author: Proust  and M. Duras

-Cinema: Chaplin        -Place: the beach and the sea
2. I would do anything to spare an animal from suffering.
3. Whenever I see a plane fly by, I secretly wish I was on it, no matter its destination, better yet if it were as far away from home as possible.
4. I’ve wished to be a writer since I was 6 years old, when I wrote my first story.
5. I don’t believe in religion in any form, I do believe in a higher being somewhere out there, but one who’s not interested in us.
6. Sometimes I have problems expressing my thoughts in Spanish, usually when it’s personal stuff. That’s the main reason I have for writing a blog in English, because I’m able to deal more comfortably and more honestly with my emotional baggage.
7. I love all kinds of animals, I love them to death. Except for bugs. Can’t rationally deal with them and I have to accept they’re beyond me. I feel guilty for this.
8. I used to think I knew what I wanted from life. Now I’m lost and don’t know where to run off to. This is related to the fact that I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression and started therapy for the first time in my life in late 2011, so I guess I’m on a journey not only to heal but to find myself amongst the shit. I’m not holding my breath though, I’ve become aware that this is gonna take time.

On the other hand, I’d like to mention the blogs that inspire me, but it’s getting hard to keep track of who’s in the accepting-awards business, and there are a few I’d like to mention that I know for a fact don’t accept them, so I’m just going to leave it out here in the hopes that the bloggers whom I follow find it, because I wouldn’t be following you if you didn’t inspire me. If I read your blog, I nominate you for this award, go on and take it.

New year, same debts.

It looks like it’s going to rain, and I hope it does. Rain has such a calming effect on me, and calm is exactly what I need right now. As much as I hate it, my vacations are over and I’m going back to work tomorrow, back to waking up before 6am and back to working 8 hours straight.

Back to normal life. And that includes back to Mr. Shrinky, but I don’t really know what I feel about going back. It’s not something I dread, but I’m not exactly eager about it either. He and I have a pending business to attend. He wants me back on a 3-sessions a week mode and I’m all for the 2-session option. And since I can’t really afford anything else, I guess we’ll have to go my way. Still I’ll have to listen to what he has to say about it, and I’ll have to expose yet again my poor finances.

My terrible handling of money and credit, something I’m horribly ashamed of, also forced me earlier today to reject another trip planned by BF, this time for easter or summer. If I don’t start saving to pay off my debt instead of fleeing this city whenever we get a chance to, I know I’m not gonna be done with it any time soon. Having debts is a rather uncomfortable thing to say the least. And for a person like me, who gets anxious so very easily, it’s more than uncomfortable, it’s like a needle pinching my lungs and ribs now and then.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I got the car and the clothes and the shoes and the phone, and, well, you get the idea.

And I’d never done anything like that before, I used to be in charge of my finances, until I discovered during the infamous 2012 that buying was an effective way of not feeling the pain I was used to, at least momentarily. I don’t recommend it at all though. It brings more problems than it solves, and finally it only helps to increase the feeling of not being in control, of being a failure, and ultimately it feeds your self-loathing.

Right now I can only be thankful for UNAM, my uni. It’s the best one in Mexico and Latin America and yet it’s free, I cannot imagine what my problems would be like if on top of it all I had a student loan on my back.

So now I have another problem I created for myself, like I needed more.

The Frankenthesis strikes again

I don’t consider me a New Year’s Day Grinch, but I do wonder what the fuzz is all about. The firts day of the year is always a dead day, nobody’s out on the street, everything’s closed, and your supposed to enjoy the quietness and calm around you. Well, I don’t. Even more, this calm worries me because I fear that’s one of the reasons why Sundays are so hard on me. That’s what it’s come to, I’m feeling just a hint of a chest pain, but I’m terribly scared of what it may become as the day goes by, because it can get so strong it amazes me it doesn’t kill me. So I’m gonna try to keep busy, probably reading and working on the Frankenthesis. I haven’t finished a couple of books and I might get to that.

As for the thesis, I didn’t deliver what I was supposed to in December, and now I have a lot more work to get done by Jan 15th, and I’m not sure how exactly I’m going to manage to get it done. If only I’d type on it as many words as I have on this blog, I’m sure I would’ve finished it by now 🙄 and I have to admit I need all the cheering up I can get to work hard and maybe finish what I’m supposed to.

This time around, New Year’s Day is reminding me of everything I didn’t accomplish, of all the different ways I messed up, and all the problems I got myself into, money being the most worrying one. I guess I’m feel a little ripped out because people act as if  on Jan 1st everybody got a clean slate, and I don’t see that. What I see is a reminder that time keeps going by, it doesn’t stop and everything we do keeps adding to our tab.

All I got left, and I realize it’s a very big thing, is the hope that things will get better, and man do I need a brighter horizon to keep me going right now! Hope is the fuel that so many times keeps our engines running when all evidence says there’s no point. And today I can be thankful that I do feel the warmth of hope (however small it may be) in my heart to keep me going.

I realize this is a bittersweet post (that’s a little more bitter than sweet), but still let me take the time to wish you all a happy 2013 full of happy moments and goals achieved, and a year that brings you as least sorrow as possible! 🙂

What the Frankenthesis looks like these days.
(Image credit: http://www.craftycrafty.tv)

The final one of the year

2013 is knocking more and more insistently on my door, and I’m not even gonna have a chance of willingly open it because at 12 tonight it’s gonna come bursting in. Also, I have no way of knowing  if the uninvited guest is friend or foe, or if I’m prepared to entertain it.

But still, it’s not up to me and a new year is coming up ahead. I can’t deny I’m a bit scared. Anything new and different scares the hell out of me. But I’m also glad 2012 is ending. It wasn’t the best of years, and I’ve been going through a lot. I can only hope what’s coming is better.

After analyzing the rights and wrongs of 2012 I’ve reached the conclusion that it is the Frankenthesis what’s been pulling me back and down. It’s not by far my biggest problem, but it’s certainly the one that nags me the most, and that’s why I’m determined to not let it be the doom of me.

I do have to say it wasn’t all that bad. I’m in a good place with BF and it isn’t thanks to luck but rather to our hard work and will to stay together. I also started this blog back in june and I feel incredibly happy of doing so. It’s like a door that existed long before I wrote the first post but never really dared to open it and when I did, not only did my cramped issues formed a flowing stream outwards, I also gained friends, and input, and acceptance. So thank you for reading this, for accepting me, for not pulling away when I’m letting all the sh*t out in the open, it really means the world for me, and all I can do in return is wish you a happy 2013, you deserve it, you really do!

So 2013, I feel you rushing like a tsunami, but I know it won’t kill me, not this time, I’m gonna embrace you and be opened to what you have to offer even if you scare the sh*t out of me. Welcome!