My juju’s gone

I’ve been trying to write for days now, with no avail. I’ve been collecting a series of drafts that somehow I just couldn’t finish, I wasn’t feeling them. Have you ever lost your writing-juju? Is there anything you can do to get it back? I lost it for a week, and I’m not even sure if I really got it back, this is my first attempt at it.

Things have been moving forward though. I took the problematic memories I got back together with my horrible dreams to Mr. Shrinky’s office. We’re taking it little by little, but I’m handling these issues in a much better way, I’m no longer on edge or triggered. Also, my spring break is here! I’ve got two weeks off of work. Not that I can use them to rest, I still have a shitload of work to be done, but as BF wisely put it, I’d still have to do it with or  without the break. We are going on a flash trip to one of Mexico’s most famous villages, San Miguel de Allende, I’ll probably post some pics from there.

But I still don’t feel my juju back, where have you gone my dear juju! The thing is, despite what my “about” page says, I try not to post on WP the first ramblings that cross my mind, that’s what FB is for isn’t it? (I do post some of the same ramblings, but only after I’ve dipped them in some logic) I can even think about a bunch of things I’d like to talk about, but can’t really manage to write them down. So I’m pretty much screwed.

What do you do when your writing juju leaves you alone? I don’t think I can take it anymore!

https://notallaboutcats.files.wordpress.com/2013/03/funny-pictures-cat-has-writers-block.jpg

 

Is it awards season already?

So I got nominated for two awards y’all! I know many of you aren’t in the accepting awards business, but as I’ve said before, I’m a sucker for nominations, can’t help to be cheered up by them and that’s why I like to do an acceptance post and everything, please bear with me.

The first award was a gift from Petrel41 at Dear kitty. Some blog. I hadn’t heard from this one, but I’m honored I was thought of. The Reality Blog award is apparently an acronym for… well you can see it on the picture I guess.

reality-blog-award

I’m required to answer to five questions, so here it goes:

1) If you could change something what would you change?

I would stop animal suffering, starting by bull fights and animal testing.

2) If you could repeat an age, what age would it be?

My first years of college. I think that’s when I’ve been happier and more focused.

3) What one thing really scares you?

The universe, infinity scares the hell out of me. It’s funny coming from someone who gets depressed with beginnings and endings. I just can’t settle with anything can I??

4) What one dream have you not completed yet and do you think you will be able to complete it?

My PhD, and I think I’m slowly getting there.

5) If you could be someone else for the day, who would you be?

Someone happy. (It didn’t sound so sad in my head!)

The second one was a gift from Kat at Me: Finding the Missing Pieces who was so nice as to present me with an award I’d been looking forward to posting in my homepage as it’s so darn pretty :D, just take a look!

liebster-blog-award (1)

For this one I’m supposed to answer 11 questions, then choose 11 other nominees for this award, and then create 11 different questions for the nominees. I don’t know if number 11 is magic for someone or what’s the deal with the 11/11/11, but fine, I’ll do it (only because my magic number is 13 and I don’t want to add up more work lol)

1. What is your favorite thing to do when you have nothing else to do?

My answer should be divided in two parts. What I do in my free time when I’m OK and what I do when I’m depressed. (Which is quite often if you’ve been following me). In the first situation I would normally read, maybe watch a movie, and if I feel energized visit a museum, like I did on Saturday (yay!)

In the second case, I have to admit that I’ll sleep. A LOT. When I’m feeling down I just wish to be absent from the world and sleeping is the best answer for that. Also, I’ll simply be sleepy all the time so I’ll find time to sleep even when I don’t have that much spare time.

2. What is your favorite time of day, and why?

My absolute favorite part of the day is the late afternoon. For one thing, watching the sunset is simply awesome, and secondly, it is around the sunset that I feel very much energized,on the good days I even feel like I had a Red Bull or something.

3. Where is your favorite place?

The beach. I could live by the ocean without hesitation. The beach and the sea are soothing for me and I know I’ll have to live in a city by the sea sometime in my life.

4. Do you like to [be] busy all day, or have your day open?

I prefer to be busy doing things I choose to do, I hate days when time goes by doing something you dislike or simply don’t really want to do like, well, work.  😉

5. What is your favorite beverage?

Coffee! Thank God® for coffee!

6. Do you prefer to eat out, to have dinner made for you, or to make dinner yourself, and why?

I prefer a home cooked meal but since my cooking doesn’t go any further than sandwiches and quesadillas, I have to do with eating out. I am very picky about food though, so it’s sometimes difficult to find something I really like.

7. What is your favorite kind of pet, and why?

It’s a close call between cats and dogs. Right now I live with four enslavers cats so I guess I’d had to go with that, but dogs are also very good pets. As a pet, what I like most about cats is their independence, as an animal I love their wit and cuddling with them. As for dogs, their loyalty is what makes me think they’re awesome pets and their innocence and playfulness are the traits I like the most about them.

I love birds and fish, but I don’t like to have them as pets because it breaks my heart to see them held in cages, whether they’re made of steel or glass.

8. What is your favorite area of study (professionally or just for fun) and why?

History! Both professionally and for fun. I’m mean and I love to laugh at people, but if I do it in their face it’s usually considered rude. However, when they’re dead they can’t get you for it. Truth is I’ve found that nothing makes me laugh as much as history, and for that matter there’s hardly any other area of study that motivates me as much. I could definitely come up with a more serious answer, but my most honest one is this one.

9. What’s the most common thing you talk about with friends and family?

I don’t really talk much, but I guess it’d have to be something related to cats, lol.

10. Do you have a hobby or pastime, and if so, what is it and why do you enjoy it?

Reading and writing are my favorite hobby, and in my wildest dreams I make a living out of these two things. That’s why I’ve fallen in love with WP, I never would have thought I’d find so much talent and that I’d be so motivated to share my writing.

11.  Do you think we should have to do all this to get an award, and why or why not?

I think part of the point of accepting an award is sharing stuff about you, that’s what makes it interesting for others to read your post, so I agree with the part about answering questions about you. What I’m not so sure about is the part about nominating a specific number of blogs, I think we are free to nominate as many or as few as we choose.

And just because I’m nice like that, my nominations are double, so you get a combo ladies and gentlemen! Two awards for the post of one!

Needless to say, there’s no specific order in the nominations, and I did not nominate nearly as many bloggers as I would’ve liked. Actually, I think I’d like to give an award to so many bloggers, but I tried to choose ones I hadn’t nominated for something before. I chose these bloggers because I admire them and they inspire me everyday with their writing. Also, I tried to leave out people whom I know have award-free blogs, if I included you in the nominations and this is your case, sorry!

Anyhow, If I chose you, it’s because you bring light into my life, I appreciate you and your struggles. It makes me happy that you’re happy, and it makes me sad to read you’re sad. I also consider you a talented writer, and I think you should be rewarded for that.

Anyhow, the nominees are…!

As for the questions I’m suposed to propose, beware ’cause I’m in a silly mood right now, so don’t think too much into them. And here they are!

1) If you could be a historical character, who would you choose?

2) What is your favorite book?

3) Would you vote for me if I was running for president?

4) Do you have pets? Introduce them please!

5) If you were given 1 million dollars, what would you spend them on?

6) What do you like to read about?

7)  Favorite band? Music?

8) What makes you feel good when you’re down? (Go do it right now!)

9) If you could meet someone from the past who would it be?

10) Mac or PC?

11) If some non-profit organization asked you to blog for them, which one would it be?

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The mother flu

I’ve come down with the flu. I saw it coming and took some vitamin C together with some anti-flu meds. It looked like I managed to dodge it, and the day I stopped taking any precautions, it hit me, and it’s pissed I tried to run from it. Good news is we have a long weekend ahead here in Mexico so I’m gonna get the chance to rest before I get back to dealing with screaming children. Kids (and me too) got to laugh at me today because the topic where seeing is ailments, and I usually act them out for them to guess, but when reached the land of  flu, runny nose, cough, and so on, there was no need for acting at all! 😆

I don’t really know what to talk about right now, it’s probably the headache. But I feel like writing, so I’m in a pickle. I’ve been thinking a lot about writing about my mom, I’ve been dancing around it ever since I wrote about my father. Maybe that’s what got me sick in the first place!

And that’s it really, I can’t really focus so I’m going to keep it short, though I’ll sure be back here on Sunday. It’s become a sort of ritual to write my demons out on the day that they haunt me most.

Not me anymore

Today my long weekend ends. I really needed it, thank goodness for Mexican Revolution. However, I do have to go to work tomorrow. I do have to face a thesis seminar and I do have to face my tutor. It’s not a matter of wether or not I can take it, it’s is a matter of last chances. Tomorrow I have the obligation of not f*ucking up. As of this moment I feel sort of capable, I hope to continue feeling that tomorrow morning.

It’s just so hard getting out of bed in the morning. Once I manage to do that, it’s usually already a little bit late and I have to run, which makes me very anxious all day long. If I could only not feel sick, if I wasn’t sick, I know I’d have finished my thesis already, I know I’d enjoy my job, and I know I’d be on may way to graduate school. The worst part is having to lie about it, because no matter what people say, being severly depressed is frowned upon. And even though I don’t want to, even though I should know better, people’s view on my performance affect my own personal view of myself. I’ll  feel like an irresponsible whining baby because I can’t comply with what’s expected from me.

And when I stop being so hard on myself, still I can’t shake off the failure sensation. I can’t forget that I used to be the shining star of my undergraduate generation, the one everybody consulted before handing in papers, the pride of teachers, and a girl who had her act pretty much together ALL the time.

I’m not that person anymore. I don’t know where she went and I don’t know if she’s ever comming back. I sure do hope so because I miss her. I can only wonder how she managed to handle everything, not just her everyday stuff but also the garbage that keeps me a complete mess and forces me to be medicated and go to therapy three times a week.

There are flashes when I feel everything will get better, and periods of time when I do feel better, but even when that happens I can’t forget I’m not what I used to be, I don’t forget my utter failure in all of my goals, and I don’t forget there are still battles comming up ahead.

Damn, I’ve written a sad post again, and I’m not even feeling that sad. Come to think about it, maybe writing all this stuff helps me chanalize it instead of feeling it on my flesh. It has always been this way, except before I only wrote when pain was piercing me and now, sometimes I’m able to hit the keyboard at the first sign of a crisis, and I think it has helped me in reducing them. I wish this was all the therapy I needed, but until that’s the case (I do hope that’ll be the case someday), here’s a cat.

Sharing the good stuff

The lovely Attachment Girl from The Boundary Ninja Tales has nominated me for the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award. I was glad and surprised that such a talented bologger whom I admire so much would consider me for an award, so thank you so much AG!!!!

For the first two awards this blog got, received when it was still wearnig diappers, I was excited and very happy, but didn’t really know what to do with them besides sticking them on my home page. Now I know a little bit better, and in case I didn’t, this one comes with a set of instructions, which are as follow:

The Rules

1. The Nominee of the Wonderful Team Member Readership Award will display the logo on his/her post/page and/or sidebar.
 
2. Over a period of 1 week, the Nominee shall nominate a number of readers that he or she appreciates – this can be done at any rate during the week. It can be all on one day or a few on one day and a few on another day, as most convenient to the Nominee. – 

This is my list of Nominees, there are obviously some more readers whom I appreciate very much, I just based this list on people who have left over here comments I’ve particularly appreciated:

Buckwheat @ Buckwheatsrisk

Benjamin @ Expressions of my life

Melanie @ Deliberate Donkey

Purple Pineapple @  Purple Pineapple

Goldfish @ Fish of Gold

Aallegoric @ Always Allegoric

Inés @ Inesdelorange

3. The Nominee shall name his or her Wonderful Team Member Readership Award nominees on a post or on posts during the 7 day (1 week) period.

4.  The nominee shall answer the questions, all in the spirit of fun!

1) Why do you blog?
I’m not really sure, I guess it’s some kind of exorcism. I’ve always written, but have only recently gotten fond of sharing it. Letting my thoughts out, wether they are deep or an absolute waste of time and space, has somehow helped me deal with my personal issues, including my mental health. One thing’s for sure, I love it, I think it may even be a little adictive, but hey! who doesn’t need a healthy addiction right?

2) If you were trapped on a desert island, what book, DVD, food, cartoon character, and childhood game would you bring?

Book: Following AG’s example I won’t, because I can’t, choose just one, but five: First of all The Little Prince a book that gives a lot of meaning to my life (I even have a tattoo that proves it!). Second, The Sea Wall by Marguerite Duras; third, the very gem of my personal library, my very own William Shakespeare Complete Works; fourth, my Selected Works of Virginia Woolf; and fifth, a little reading from my field, Latin American Women: Historical Perspectives, an awesome book that helped me define what I want to do with my life.

DVD: The Lord of the Rings trilogy
Food: Sushi
Cartoon Character: Candy Candy (japanese anime for girls, good times! :))
Childhood Game: This one took me a lot of time and I simply can’t say, how sad is that!? Can it be a childhood book? lol. Let’s say yes, in which case I’ll say Harry Potter. I’m part of the lucky generation that went from the teen years to young adulthood reading Mrs. Rowling, and I would have given up absolutely any game to get a hold of my Harry Potter series 🙂

3) Share a funny joke or one-liner.
Gosh I’m might have to google one, I’m terrible with jokes!

4) What is your favorite thing about yourself?
Mmm, my Tetris skills? Either that or my ability of being an observer.
5) What one word best describes you?
Curious.

6) If you could have a lifetime supply of any candy/candy bar, what would it be?

Technically it’s not a candy but I say ice-cream counts. I choose Ben & Jerry’s Cherry García, yummie!

7) What fictional character do you relate to most?

This is a tricky one, but I guess I’d have to go with Marguerite from The Lover and The Sea WallThe autobiographic novels by Marguerite Duras made a profoun impact on me, for obvious reasons like the tragic relationship ( don’t really know how to call it, but problematic seems like an understatement) she and her mother have or her affair with a much older man, but also for the way she transmits the pain that comes from family trauma or being a victim of emotional abuse, of not being able to feel loved and important, of remaining always a runner up in people’s affections. Duras is absolutely and without a doubt my favorite author, and I would advise anyone who loves literature to read her, her other works like The War are also amazingly accurate in transmitting pain; there’s another short novel called L’Amante Anglaise which deals with a psychoanalitic approach to a puzzling bloody murder (which happens to be comitted on MY birthday! Yet another thing I can relate to, however strange it may be)… ok ok I’ll leave it here, but only because Duras deserves a whole post, which I’ll get to later on.


8) If you were to write the story of your life, what would you call it?

9 lives

Writing also helps

I feel like I’m on the verge of breaking down again, and I’m not sure I know how to stop it. All day long I’ve been feeling empty, robot-like, and now the tremblings are starting, together with the ache right in the middle of my chest. But I know it’s not gonna happen today, today I’m just gonna lay down and I’m even gonna fight it.

The strange thing is I had been feeling ok. Halloween at school was fun for the kids and I even dressed up, makeup and everything, like a black cat, something I hadn’t done in years. All I can think of is that stepping out of the routine, as much as I hate to admit it, got to me yet again.  And it’s not like I like my routine, I pretty much f*cking hate it, however it does give me some structure, something to hold on to, in the middle of my chaotic life. A demanding job from 7:30 to 3:30 is the last thing I wish for me, but I do have to admit that it’s the part of my day that puts my feet on the ground, most of the time everything else is just spinning around and I have absolutely no power to stop it.

Something different this time is that I don’t want it to get to me. Who knows… my little experiment of writing about it is surprisingly already helping me feel better.

Me, myself and I

3 in the morning.

Body: I need to pee. I need to pee NOW.

3:10 am, post-peeing.

Right hemisphere: Writy write write…writy write write.

Left hemisphere: But it’s almost 3 am and you have to get up early, if you start writing right now, you’ll be tired and sleepy in the morning.

RH: Don’t care. Writy write write, writy write write!

LH: Ok, we have to get up at 5:30 anyways, so I’ll get up, put on a pot of coffee, write for an hour, and I’ll just have an early start today.

Body: BTW, I’m hungry! Feed me now!

3:30 am, post-feeding.

LH: Ok, laptop’s all yours RH, go ahead.

3:40 am, post-minor writing.

Body: I’m sleeeepy! Let’s go back to sleep now!

LH: Sorry RH, we really have got to go back to bed.

4:30 am, post-minor sleeping.

Body: Can’t sleep anymore, think we should listen to RH!

LH: No way, I’m not gonna listen to you two irresponsible dumbasses anymore, we’re going back to sleep!

RH and Body: Not gonna happen dude!

LH: The hell it’s gonna happen, we’ll just lay here in bed until we get sleepy. We’re not writing any more!

5:30 am.

Body: I’m sooo tired, what a terrible night, let’s sleep until 6:00 just for today, pleeease!

LH: Ok, just this once, but we have to get up at 6 sharp and hurry up.

RH and B: Will do, promise!

6:37 am

LH: Damn it! I’m late, I’m super late! Can’t be late for work again!

——–

In the end, we made it, minus coffee or makeup that is. Let’s hope for a better understanding tonight!

Cat Therapy

5 kitties just arrived! They couldn’t have come at a worst time, when my tutor is absolutely furious at me and I have a sh*tload of work to get done both on my thesis and at my job, but man are they beautiful!

I’ve raised quite some orphan litters, and now apparently my fame precedes me because from the last 5 or 6 litters, most of them have come from people who come and ask me to take them in…sometimes folks who don’t even make the title of acquaintances. And although I’m terribly busy and still somewhat depressed, I just don’t have it in me to say no to any kitty who needs love and nurturing, so I now have yet another thing to do.

Besides, I think taking care of them might end up being just what I need right now to get me out of my dark little self-absorption; truth is, raising kitties is one of the most rewarding things for me in the world, and it certainly is a small tragedy when I have to let them go, I don’t know how many more litters my heart can take…

I still haven’t taken a picture of them, but here’s one of my previous litter, my Napitos.Image

Avoidance mode: off

Gosh, some dark stuff I wrote about last time! The good thing is I can always fall back on the bigger picture to have some sense of calm and feel a little better… oh, wait… except for the ongoing drug-war, the devastating economic crisis, and why not? Mexico’s demoralizing political reality. And while it’s easy for me to get my system jammed in the pessimistic mode, I also find it relatively common to find reasons to have a good laugh about things, though apparently that ability decided to take a hike for the past few days and it’s just timidly starting to return.

For the past couple of months I’ve been avoiding the fact that my country’s reality pretty much sucks, and it doesn’t look like it’s gonna get any better any time soon. Well, apparently my avoidance is over,  just in time for my conscience to fully appreciate the pathetic show us mexicans will receive on December 1st, when the legally, though not legitimately, elected president takes office. Just in time to watch the government announce they have killed the second most important drug lord…only to have to add that they “lost” the body, and the list can go on. That’s why it’s pretty darn important for that acid humor to come back soon if I’m to bear stuff like the European Union winning the Nobel Peace Prize!

Just to show you what I mean, on the left there’s the avoidance face I’ve been carrying around for the last months, and on the right there’s the face I intend to put on from now on.

One does not simply “write” a thesis

You should know this post started out in Spanish. I simply didn’t feel like writing in English… or so I thought, and before my text resulted in a reasonable causality for a linguist’s heart attack I decided to go back to my adoptive language (still not sure of who adopted who).

I’m meeting my thesis director tomorrow afternoon. I’m considerably afraid of her. The worst part is that there’s no justifiable reason to do so. She’s not only an academic warrior and someone to look up to professionally, but also a very nice person, and whenever I come down with my regular this-thesis-is-a-joke mood, she’s the one to show me all the good things about it. In short, I’m scared of her and ashamed for being so. I’m meeting her tomorrow and as I sat a moment ago wondering what it was that made me so uncomfortable when she’s so nice even as she helps me work out every millimeter or my work, I thought that it really isn’t her whom I’m afraid of, but my thesis.

Grabbing it and working with it has become something similar to working with The Monster Book of Monsters (go google it…ready?…let’s continue). And when anyone tries to stick their nose into the matter, it’s usually on the tone of: it’s just a matter of sitting down and writing it, I just feel like paraphrasing poor tortured Tolkien’s Boromir and screaming: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY “WRITE” A THESIS!, though what actually comes out is a low, pathetic little voice saying “yeah, you’re right”. Of course they’re not right! Are they? Well, maybe… The fact is the “writing” process is coming close to a whole year and even though I’m working in the fourth chapter, I feel like I’m moving as fast as Frodo and Sam inside Mordor (gosh..maybe I should re-name this blog: Almost Everything About The Lord of The Rings…) and yes, just as them, as I get closer and closer to achieving my goal, the task becomes harder and harder. So I guess what I urgently need is a way of dealing with my pathologic fear of my own thesis.

By the way, while wasting valuable time researching important issues on the web, I found this (though I guess my thesis won’t have tea and cookies with me anytime soon): Image

And finally, to honor the actual name of this blog, I should report that exactly a week ago Mrs. Gobby was lost and found. She fell dow the balcony of her first floor flat and spent a couple of hours hiding in some bushes, which has resulted in her becoming the most spoiled and neediest ensalver cat ever.

Writing Ghosts

Ever since I can remember stories have been holding me together. Wether in the form of small plots or entire novels I would create for myself, mere day dreams or elaborated fantasies, there has been a world inside of me with varying levels of importance depending on how much I’ve needed it to survive.

The first elaborated story I remember writing was some sort of foundational myth with gods and wars and Creation, and it all resumed in the Universe creating me and my mother. I was 6 or 7 and have no idea where my story went.  But though the imagination has stopped at times, the writing has been a continuum. My narrative certainly became scarce when my adoration for literature grew more and more, making me realize I had no job competing with my idols; however, the physical action of the writing in itself gives me a sutil pleasure I’m not sure I can effectively describe.

The futile action of holding and using any kind writing device makes my heart beat in a different way. It can be a pen, marker, preferably a pencil, and even a keyboard… anything goes; and when I’m feeling low, the very words that are ripped out of me through the chosen item seem to have a life of their own. The therapeutic sound and the feel of the tip of the pencil sliding rhythmically as I write, or the touch of my fingers dancing through the keyboard making what to me sounds like music, is sometimes good enough to uncover and free whatever demons have been feasting on me.

The thing is, those are the exact kind of writings I seem to be unable of sharing because they expose me in the deepest way. That’s also the reason why I think most of my idols were not only amazing writers but absolute heroes, because they were brave enough to share themselves and their inner world with outsiders, with strangers who might praise on their work and whom’d tear it apart in a second. As for me, I think I might be something of a Gollum-like writer, holding my precious close to my heart while hiding it in deep dark caverns that no one should ever find.

Aaanyhow, that’s the reason why my attempt of a blog wasn’t updated lately, and so before this turned out to be just another thing I started and never saw through, I thought I should write about NOT writing, well, at least not writing for anyone else except me.

And my three faithful readers might be asking just exactly what has gotten me off my blogger mood in the past few days. Well, to keep with my Lord of the Rings analogy let me just say that I feel like the war against the Dark Lord has just been lost. No one came in our help and we were simply outnumbered. As I see it, Mexico has been lost to Mordor and we are just gonna have to learn to live under the regime of dark wizards and their orcs, while knowing we had the chance to end it all for good and we decided not to.

Election day came and went, and after the electoral prosecutor’s office has basically declared that anything goes and nothing’s gonna be made about it, Mexico’s gonna have to put up with a president 60% of mexican voters did not choose. A man accused of murder, a proven repressor, with no political career and who could not mention 3 books read by him, is going to rule over me, woohoo!

Sure, AMLO is a bad looser, if it means not putting up with fraud and resisting an election which was bought vote by vote. Being a “good” looser would then mean to act as the female PAN candidate, who recognized her loss with only 2% of the votes accounted for and who has not spoken a word against the proven vote-buying and constraint.

Ha, I think I managed to trick myself, started talking about me and my demons, ended up talking about my country’s demons… guess mine have locked themselves up for the night, and I’m gonna let them tuck me in ’cause I have a long day ahead of me tomorrow, and so does Mr. Sylvestre Bombon, who left the realm of the awake a while ago.Image

The Butterfly Effect

I’ve always been one to observe people. Most of the time they’re gestures, attitude, or sometimes even their tone speak louder to me than the words coming out of their mouths. I guess I’m more of a looker than a hearer, and it does get me in trouble every once in a while when someone catches me off guard and notices how I didn’t seem to pay attention to a word they just said; it’s just that I wasn’t paying attention to what they wanted me to, but to what they usually don’t want me to.

Now, when it comes to being watched, I’m probably no more comfortable than most people, but most people don’t really seem to notice or observe others so I’m not usually in that place. And then there are the tattoos: a butterfly sniffing a flower on my lower belly, and The Little Prince flying away from his planet on my upper back. I never imagined they would prompt such a wide range of reactions, or that people would tend to be so eager to share them with me.  Some probably won’t ever see them or notice them, but when they do, especially for the first time, chances are they’ll want to tell me all about it.

However, noticing their reaction does tell me more about them than the other way around. The one I like the most is the honest no-reaction face, where they’ll see them just like something completely ordinary, add them to their recollections of me, and then we can move on and forget about it; maybe they’ll even be mentioned in the future, though more as a natural part of people sharing themselves. The funniest one is the pretend-I-saw-nothing face, where the person in particular will have to gather all of her strength just to NOT look at them, it will bother me a little bit but mostly it will entertain me. Then there’s the Ahem-excuse-me-I-don’t-know-you-but-I-love-your-tattoo reaction, which doesn’t entirely piss me off though it’s still uncomfortable to have some complete stranger telling you how much they love a part of your body. The opposite reaction I’ve only had once, and it left me so shocked I didn’t even know how to respond; I was writing my name down on a list before a lecture, when this old folk taps on my shoulder and goes “Excuse me, but is that the Little Prince?”, “Why, yes. Yes it is sir”, “Oh, I thought so… I guess it’s nice, though why would you want something like that on your back?…Well, to each their own, right?”, to which I could only answer in a soft voice: “Indeed”. And I was almost forgetting about the one where simple acquaintances expect me to share my tats’ personal meanings like we’re talking about what we had for breakfast.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the least of my concerns when I get tattooed is people’s reaction to my chosen modification, though it’s something I have to deal with every once in a while. I also wonder if it’s something cultural, and what other people with a lot more tats and piercings may have to deal with here in Mexico, ’cause if this happens to a fresa girl who’s got just a few tats… Anyway, of course this is no reason for me to hide them, of course I like to have them seen and appreciated, and most times I’ll even share their story if asked, but don’t expect me to always be in the mood for it, because the way I decide to live within my body is not a free pass for everybody to give me their opinion about it every single time. (I swear it din’t sound so bitter in my head!)

By the way, this is the reaction I absolutely love the most. It comes from Mrs. Gobby and it is wordless, has a perfect balance between awe and approval, and if you can manage to put this face on for my tattoos, or even better, just for me, I’ll adore you! (though I have to say, if you’re reading this, you probably lack the mandatory whiskers needed for that).

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Countdown to hell

At what point does writing stop being a hobby and become an obligation? At what level should you care? Did I leave the car door opened?… These are the kind of questions I have tried to keep myself busy with, but it’s becoming quite difficult so I resorted to my very last way out: Science Fiction. However, after watching Alien and halfway through Aliens (for the non-initiated that’s the second part of the saga) I had to accept that poor acting and jalapeño popcorn just weren’t gonna cut it for me.

Fact is election day is this Sunday, and I’m not the least bit excited, maybe because I’ve been busy freaking out about it. We got a lot to loose, and some very dark people have a lot to gain from whatever happens on that day. The once (and hopefully not soon to be) State party PRI has been caught over and over again in nasty stunts to get voters, and you’d have to be quite blind no to see all the different ways that is election has become tainted, and still experience has shown us mexicans that no matter how filthy and election is proven to be, results will be upheld.

In fact, I’d dare to say there hasn’t been one clean federal election in Mexico’s history. Not that every single one of them has been a fraud, not obvious ones in any case. No, what I mean is that there’s always the ghostly figure of vote buyers, of threats against uneducated people to make them vote a certain way, of endless tricks and obscure possibilities to make and election’s result tilt a specific way, as you can see here or here.

Still not everything’s lost, and hopefully the left wing candidate has learned his lessons from last election and has acquired a better defense mechanism against such threats… it’s just sad that he has to. There’s an incredible amount of problems to be solved immediately in Mexico, and it would be kind of relieving another huge one on our backs.

*You can also further your reading a bit more here

Overwhelmed

Tired of my ocasional but not uncommon complaints about all the different ways I feel sick, my mother said one thing I sure didn’t want to hear: “You should go get a general check-out”, to which of course I acted as if I hadn’t heard a thing. Not that unexpectedly, I now get to be nagged about this topic every now and then, even when I’ve been forced to keep all my ailments to myself.

Though I would indeed love the headaches and cramps and all of my weirder achaques to go away, I think I’m just not willing to do what it takes for them to do so. And no, I haven’t just tapped the center of my self-knowledge to realize this, but I got to be laughed at (one of the possible reactions I usually get when I forget to translate my thoughts into outer-world language) when after another unwanted motherly exhortation I simply added I would at the very least wait until election day is over AND I’ve come to terms with the result, whatever this may be (btw, that took about four years with last election).

So, after being momentarily puzzled about the laughter I provoked, I thought maybe I should take political matters out of my head for a day or two, and what do I get? Bam! Working on the-thesis-that-must-not-be-named like I hadn’t for weeks. Surely, that lasted until right about now, but still, it oughtta mean good news right?

Aaanyhow, today I woke up and realized that election day is only a week away, and we’re only four days away (thank you sweet lord!!) of stop being hammered with spots and adds and campaign lies promises, and that is supposed to be good news. Except it isn’t.

Of course I want some candidates to stop telling me why I should vote for them when I know I won’t. Of course I want other candidates to stop telling me to vote for them because I know I will! My decision was taken months ago and nobody scared me into it, which is what most of these people try to do and that’s the kind of votes most of this campaigns prey on.

However, the only thing I can predict for sure is that on July 2 there will be chaos. It can be happy chaos, or it can be angry, violent chaos. And the odds don’t look too good for different reasons. First of all, very few can honestly say they trust those odds, no matter what candidate or party they support, and that’s the same story for the institutions that are supposed to protect us mexicans from yet another fraud, nobody can honestly say they’re not vulnerable.

Secondly, and this is the reason that provokes my biggest concern, there could actually be a clean election and that could also mean we’re screwed. It’s been proven that the most the most educated people in Mexico, have supported AMLO; universities, colleges, academic institutes, and almost every intellectual leader have claimed their support the left party candidate (not his party though, but that’s another bedtime story I’ll save for later), and that should mean something very big for society. Not that they’re votes are more important than the ones coming from popular sections of the population, not at all. In fact it’s  just the other way around. However, when such a chunk of a society is backing one same candidate, and this chunk happens to be the most informed in the country, no matter its size, it should mean something, because these people should be leaders in their communities.

Quite sadly this is not the case… the real leaders are soap actors and their TV stations, journalists who act like soap opera characters, and millions of plastic box cases in which these people say and show what they were bought and paid to. These are the real opinion leaders, and the other section of society who is strongly persuaded of the dangers of EPN winning the election may write and talk and march all they want, and it will still be a miracle if they’re able to reach the millions who can’t open a newspaper, the ones who do but do’t go beyond the headlines, and specially the ones who trust Televisa and TV Azteca to tell them what’s happening, what’s good and what’s bad…and what they should be afraid of. The mystery is how many of those people really exist, how many will we be able to reach before it’s too late.

Sure, there are polls and surveys and all kinds of democratic measuring instruments, but it’s not likely that anybody would ask or respond honestly to questions like “Are you unable of forming a political opinion by yourself?”, “Do you believe everything you hear if the TV says so?”, and so on. So we can’t really know how many of these guys are really out there, and it looks that that number could make the difference on this election.

I’ll further my thoughts later on today, ’cause right now there’s a cat plot to keep me from working, and one gets eventually tired of pushing kitties away from the keyboard and erasing their mindful contributions off the screen.

It’s all about the language!

So… yes, here comes the self explanation nobody asked for. I’m mexican, and I live in Mexico City; this requires a regular use of the Spanish language and an average knowledge of it; I think I don’t completely suck at it.

So, why am I blogging in English? Hell If I know… I’ve been doing quite a lot of my personal writing this way for a while now. Even when I’m doing something more formal, such as the-thesis-that-must-not-be-named, I find myself wishing I could do it in English, who knows, perhaps I could’ve finished it by now. I don’t know if this is a bad habit or just the way I am, but I’ve actually been in situations where I don’t remember a particular word in Spanish so I have to say it in English, or I just can’t find a proper way to say something because it fits so perfectly in this foreign language.

And yes, I do feel weird about this sometimes, mostly wondering how normal this is, or if I should just ditch my country and go somewhere I can always speak the way I want. But something worse is the look I get when I try to explain this to somebody outside my head… come to think about it maybe I’m choosing to write this because I’ll see no face when some lost internaut finds my babbling by chance. And that’s not even the end of it, this poor tortured soul that prefers English rather than its mother tongue majored in… Latin American Studies!

I guess English became some sort of refuge language for me, because I started doing this as a monster-teen that wanted everybody to stay out of her business,and then it just became some sort of pattern. I also know this is not related to wether I love my country or not, because I do, as well as its culture, and most particularly its history (though I’m starting to think that’s just a plus in the freak show).

Anyways, I hope I’ll continue talking about Mexico’s current situation tomorrow, ’cause today I just couldn’t bring myself to do it.

P.S. Has this ever happened to you? Do you know if there’s a circus support group I can join any time soon? I think I should consult with my shrinky, here’s a picture of him:

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