The 24/7 torture

Being a teacher is hard, and there are a ton of things I hate about it (no, I’m not going to balance this sentence by adding next all of the wonderful things about it, I’m just to grumpy right now for that), one of them is the fact that half the work is done outside the classroom. This means that my full-time job is not finished after my work hours, for I have to spend a percentage of my “free time” planning. So, having a growingly reduced spare time for working on my thesis, I’m starting to think I might not make it through.

What’s worse is having to dedicate just this free hours to the single most important thing for me right now, and it’s a vicious cycle that never seems to end: I can’t work on it full time because I have to make money for my expenses, so I have to get a job, the mentioned job being so far away, I have to use a car, which needs maintenance, which costs money; I also need clothes for this, oh and groceries to prepare the lunch I’ll be taking, and a whole bunch of small expenses that just keep adding up.

After working 8 hours straight plus another couple wasted in traffic, the last thing I wanna do is sit dow and work on my thesis, though it’s usually the one thing that tortures me on a daily basis. Now another deadline is approaching, and the whole process feels like watching a snowball running downhill to get me, I guess this is just one of those days.

Chaotic Organization

I can’t seem to balance what I want to do with what I have to do and what others want me to do, such as having to work, having to finish my thesis, while hoping to one day (that seems to be further away each day) being able to do the things I actually want. All of this, having people pushing and pushing on one side for me to finish this antiquated rite of passage while on the other I have more (if not the same) people expecting me to be able to meet economic responsibilities that started long ago before I could manage them and continue even when I never really had the proper  time to mentally and pragmatically prepare for them. I feel like I am being forced to bake a cake without the proper ingredients (not that I will ever do such a thing).

Still, I also don’t feel like I have plausible reasons to bitch about it ’cause the way I see it, the situation here in Mexico is getting darker and darker by the moment, and I’ll hopefully be writing about it soon enough, since right now I’m stealing hours from my most needed sleep to catch up on my other writing, the one I keep talking about but stays offline.

And about that, I’ve been thinking about creating an anonymous blog, maybe that could be more helpful to me and definitely more entertaining. I of course will not be linking it to this one but I thought I’d share the news anyways. It may sound like I have all the time in the world to spam my two readers with my babbling, but I guess it’s just a matter of getting my sh*t together.

I will however promise myself to work on my organizational skills all through the month the remaining week and see if it sticks, since this Monday was my first day at a new job doing something I had kinda thought I wouldn’t do again: teach English to elementary kids. This will require me to force my usual chaotic self to take a hike at least in the mornings, I’ll report on the results.

In the meantime, here’s the first image I have of one of my students:

Image

One does not simply “write” a thesis

You should know this post started out in Spanish. I simply didn’t feel like writing in English… or so I thought, and before my text resulted in a reasonable causality for a linguist’s heart attack I decided to go back to my adoptive language (still not sure of who adopted who).

I’m meeting my thesis director tomorrow afternoon. I’m considerably afraid of her. The worst part is that there’s no justifiable reason to do so. She’s not only an academic warrior and someone to look up to professionally, but also a very nice person, and whenever I come down with my regular this-thesis-is-a-joke mood, she’s the one to show me all the good things about it. In short, I’m scared of her and ashamed for being so. I’m meeting her tomorrow and as I sat a moment ago wondering what it was that made me so uncomfortable when she’s so nice even as she helps me work out every millimeter or my work, I thought that it really isn’t her whom I’m afraid of, but my thesis.

Grabbing it and working with it has become something similar to working with The Monster Book of Monsters (go google it…ready?…let’s continue). And when anyone tries to stick their nose into the matter, it’s usually on the tone of: it’s just a matter of sitting down and writing it, I just feel like paraphrasing poor tortured Tolkien’s Boromir and screaming: ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY “WRITE” A THESIS!, though what actually comes out is a low, pathetic little voice saying “yeah, you’re right”. Of course they’re not right! Are they? Well, maybe… The fact is the “writing” process is coming close to a whole year and even though I’m working in the fourth chapter, I feel like I’m moving as fast as Frodo and Sam inside Mordor (gosh..maybe I should re-name this blog: Almost Everything About The Lord of The Rings…) and yes, just as them, as I get closer and closer to achieving my goal, the task becomes harder and harder. So I guess what I urgently need is a way of dealing with my pathologic fear of my own thesis.

By the way, while wasting valuable time researching important issues on the web, I found this (though I guess my thesis won’t have tea and cookies with me anytime soon): Image

And finally, to honor the actual name of this blog, I should report that exactly a week ago Mrs. Gobby was lost and found. She fell dow the balcony of her first floor flat and spent a couple of hours hiding in some bushes, which has resulted in her becoming the most spoiled and neediest ensalver cat ever.

The-thesis-that-must-not-be-named

I’m currently torturing myself with a thesis about gender history. Not that I want to. The moment I’m done I’ll be running towards a new torture, graduate level, but back here in Mexico, if you’re a public university student you have to suck it and write a thesis even if your plan is to move right up to a graduate level.

Even if most of them end up being useless idols of boredom and futility that’ll decorate our families bookshelves, you still have to do it. Even if that puts mexican students behind any kind of reasonable competitive level against other countries, and this means that at age 25 we’re still doing an undergraduate thesis and there are people our same age doing postdosc everywhere else. Not that I’m bitter about it or anything like that… just sayin’.