I haven’t been doing great since Wednesday. The dad of one of my best friends died on that day, and it has triggered the hell out my daddy issues. I came back from Cabo happy, glad I got to spend that much time alone with BF, but life’s been a turmoil.
Just the day after coming back I had an appointment with N, it was a Saturday. She noticed my angst rising and suggested temporary anxiety meds since she knows this can be a dangerous state of mind for me. I took it until Tuesday, I was feeling honestly well, I was even surprised to see how much I felt like I didn’t need regular therapy anymore (e.g. I was planning on fleeing Mr. Shrinky since he’s on a newborn leave anyways), and then this happened.
Though he had recently been diagnosed with leukemia, he and his family were told it was one of the least aggressive type. After two months of being diagnosed he was looking and feeling better and then one night bam, heart attack. When my friend M let me know I was very much surprised, I can’t even believe how she and her family were feeling. She told me where the service was going to be held and I got there in the late evening (it was the birthday of another one of my dearest friends too).
Man, I really did not see that trigger coming in, and I just walked right into it. There were so many people there, family, friends, even longtime clients, all there gathered because they knew and cared for this man or, as it was my case, for one of their closest ones. Then I started wondering what’ll happen when
my fatherthe father dies. He’s not in great shape and not getting any younger, chances are I’m going to still be on the planet when he goes…and chances are I won’t dare set foot in any kind of service held for him, let alone be allowed to. And even if I did attend the thing in whatever circumstance possible, I probably wouldn’t know anyone, except for L, they’re all strangers for me. Would I be scorned away? Would anyone care how I’d be feeling?
How will I find out? When? It has crushed me to hear from L that he refers to his relationship with me as “distant and cold”. My god if it isn’t true! But it’s been that way because he wanted it too, I got no saying in that part and by the time I did it was way too late. I think that since Wednesday I’ve been mourning for the father I didn’t get. I think it would’ve been easier to just never know about him, that my mother were strong enough to leave him, really be independent from him and really raise me all by her own means. But that wasn’t the case. Me having a father is like walking outside a shop where everything you want is available, but you’re not allowed to enter. I can look all I want through the glass, but I’ll never get to touch, feel, be there. I’m standing outside in the cold rain observing with pain how everything inside is cozy and warm.
God am I wallowing in self-pity tonight, excuse me! A verse from a song just flashed through my mind right now: You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight, ’cause tears are going nowhere baby… And that’s just right, I have to stop these tears that are clouding my view of the keyboard and grow up. Daddy didn’t love me, big fucking deal!
Still, I want to call him, meet him some day. I don’t even know what for, it’s not like we have tons to talk about, I just suddenly felt an urge to see him. And well, this presents another problem for me. I cannot see him and pretend I haven’t met L, there’s no way I can pull that off, but I don’t want to talk about it with him, so I’ll have to let this feeling pass and whether this storm. Back to the clonazepam I guess, for some time, ’cause I won’t break over this, I’m not willing to let myself go.
Also, I guess I won’t be fleeing therapy anytime soon. It’s been a long time, but if I still get pushed over the edge by regular stuff that happens in life, like a friend’s dad dying, if I can’t be 100% there for her because these is shit stirring up inside me, then I’m not that blind to not see I’m still in need of some sort of contention (though if you ever quote me I’ll deny everything!)
Truth is, today wasn’t even that crappy. Spent the morning by myself with the kitties listening to opera, then had asian food with BF and we went to the movies. It was the drive back home when I slipped. Thank you very much iTunes! I wish I wasn’t so sensitive to music that way, but I am, and this is what got to me:
Luckily, there’s always a neutralizer for this kind of situation (efficiency may vary):
And therefore, since this particular kitty has a way of lifting my spirit no matter how low it is, I give you…Simon’s Cat!
(ALL IMAGES TAKEN FROM WWW.SIMONSCAT.COM)