Naked

I’m fat. Fat fat fat. I don’t know how many times a day I think about it but it’s a lot, and I’m creating a little hell for myself. I used to be considerately underweight, and I had the diagnosis of atypical anorexia sprung at me at least twice in my life, plus a lot of people sticking their noses where they didn’t belong calling me anorexic. The way I see it I was skinny, real skinny, but not in the hospitalized kind of way, I never made it that far and a baggy sweater would usually do the trick for me.

Now I’m supposed to be within a healthy weight range, but to me it feels like hell, and I wonder if I’m ever gonna lose all this fat to be back to a place where I’m comfortable with my body. It’s something that’s eating me away (haha, bad pun) and it’s only made worse by the fact that I feel vain and shallow to worry about these things. ‘Cause believe me, I wish they didn’t cross my mind, I just can’t help it.

It all started when I was in 6th grade. All of my childhood I’d been a rather chubby girl, and as all the other girls in the class where starting to grow breast, mine where nowhere in the horizon, so now I was not only fat but flat as well. I couldn’t magically appear boobies on my body, but I could control it in another way, I could be the skinny girl. And man did I get skinny.

I became almost addicted to that empty stomach sensation, feeding myself with imaginary delicacies, and in fact I don’t even remember suffering because of hunger, I could trick my body into not being hungry (an ability I seem to have lost btw). Then, when my rather minimum breast decided to make an appearance, it turned up I liked my body. For the first time ever, I liked my body!

Now I’m as fat as I’ve ever been, and I can’t even share what I’m going through with most people because they don’t understand, I get strange looks and people just go like: “But you look ok!”. The problem is I don’t feel ok, I feel obese. Really, I’m not exaggerating, I feel like I could bounce my way to work. And I feel uncomfortable all the time, it’s like I was always naked, and I’m just shocked people don’t notice.

The only thing I was never able to manage too good was people making comments about my weight, whether they’d be from people who was honestly concerned, or mere acquaintances who thought it was ok to underline the fact that I was skinnier than the average person. That’s something I definitely don’t miss, and even if it’s the only thing, I’m thankful that for the time being I don’t have to sit through these remarks.

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9 thoughts on “Naked

  1. Anorexia will make you believe things about your body / self that are not true. Hope you can hang tough and not believe it, at least not all the time. take care

  2. i get this, i’m like this with how i see my skin. i don’t have the best skin and it plagues me 24-7 apparently i see it as being worse than anyone else sees it. It’s BDD. maybe your struggle with weight is actually masking another truama or struggle that is the real issue? that’s what i’m finding with bdd. sending gentle hugs your way. xo

  3. Hi….When I was a teenager and a young woman, I weighed 120 pounds. At the time, I thought I was fat because I had wide hips and big bones. I felt so ashamed of my body and hid it with long loose shirts whenever possible. When I look at photos of that young woman today, I am shocked at how thin she looks. Today, at 55 years of age, I really am over-weight, and would give my eye-teeth to be that slim again. I think that my feeling of being fat came from a place of hating myself. Today, I feel a deep sense of grief about the years of pleasure I lost worrying about my body as a young woman when my body was healthy and strong and beautiful. I wish I could go back and reclaim that time feeling differently. Good for you for being so honest about your feelings about your body….I hope that you can come to feel differently about it. Kim

    • Thank you Kim, I hope so too. It’s a problem that comes and goes, and I guess I’m just having a harsh period. I’m sorry you lost those years worrying about your weight, I know too well how it can take so much away… xx

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