Crawling forward

Wow, feels like forever since I’ve been here. Not only have I missed blogging every single day, I’m also afraid (as silly as it may seem) that if I don’t keep up with my posts as I used to, I’m gonna start losing readers, you guys have been such a tremendous support for me over the past year, the simple thought of losing you makes me wonder if I’d be able to continue blogging. I have to say, in the beginning I didn’t start blogging to be read, but once you are indeed being read, things change. An audience makes you step up your writing, but more importantly, realizing you are a voice within a community makes you feel like your words mean something to someone, however tiny this might be, and it makes a huge difference.

Anyways, after the whole shrinks’ crisis shenanigans, and the terrifying mail from my tutor that sent me on a fight or flight survival mode, the things at work have gotten the best out of me too. I’m so incredibly busy I feel dizzy. The end of the school year is near, which means that so are the final presentations. I’m the Oral Expression teacher for 1st, 2nd and 3rd grade in an elementary school, this means I have to prepare 3 open classes, and carry them out with 7 groups on the last week of May. On my other job, pressure’s been taking ta toll on me too. I’m an editorial assistant for two history journals, both of which have two editors. The main editor in one of them is E, my teacher, who wrongly thinks the world of me (and who definitely had a hand in me getting the job), and is madly busy with his ginormous amount of responsibilities at Mount Olympus; but since he has known me for a while, I think he trusts me to do my job right. However, as the associate editor is also quite busy taking care of his position renewal, I’ve felt pretty much on my own handling business for the review, and there are tons of questions to be asked and no one to answer them.

On the other journal, the editors are two academics who did not personally know me beforehand and who trusted E on the fact that I was the right choice for the job. With one of them, I’ve already made a complete fool of myself, which you can read about here, and the other one is also so very busy he’s mainly absent from the picture and so I have to work with the one I’ve embarrassed myself with. I’m still getting over that, but the fact that he seems to be my tutor’s BFF doesn’t help a bit.

I haven’t replied to the terrifying email from her by the way, I just don’t know what to do. Of course I want to graduate! That’s the only way of moving forward for god’s sake! But at the same time, I know I simply can’t do it right now, not until the final presentations are done. But I’m just so scared of her…if she only had been my teacher before, I think then she’d know me a little better and maybe, just maybe, she would be a little more understanding.

I read a MLK Jr. quote yesterday that really helped me out, it said:

If you can’t fly then run, if you can’t run then walk, if you can’t walk then crawl, but whatever you do you have to keep moving forward.

I guess that’s what I’m doing right now, I’m crawling, because I can’t walk, let alone run or fly. I’m just trying to keep moving on. Actually, I’m also moving out, by the end of this month (yeap, on the same days as the fucking final presentations) to be precise. This means that while I’ll be under this enormous pressure at school, I’ll have to pack, organize, get rid of stuff, prepare the kitties…God I’m tired already just thinking about it! I’m moving to a building that’s just 10 min away from work, which is great, but it’s also the building where I grew up and lived in until I was 15, so a lot of shit went down there. I’m very afraid of having a melt down caused by memories, and Mr. Shrinky won’t be there for much longer after I move (he’s pregnant, remember?), so I’ll be on my own until August.

There’s some other stuff going on, but I think I’ve already clogged this post with info and not so much writing, so I’ll try to come back soon to finish the update and carry on my bloggy duties (which are the only ones I’m lovin’ these days).