On (not) letting go

Thought I should come back and let y’all know I’m doing better. Not super better, but hey, I’m moving forward!

My technique these past few days (though it only started to kick in this morning) has been to STOP looking at the bigger picture. It’s funny I’m doing exactly the opposite of what most people would say (8 out of 9 reasonable friends will tell you to always look at the bigger picture*). Maybe I’m just an agoraphobic planner, and as such I have to keep my head down and concentrate on what’s right in front of me…though it does seem like I won’t be able to escape some periodical panic attacks due to taking my head out of the hole I’m choosing to put it in, or else when I look up I might discover myself selling shoes and make-up from catalogues (not that there’s anything wrong with that, mind you, just not in my plans).

On Tuesday, when I posted “Infinite Sadness”, I ended up feeling not so bad as in the morning, partly thanks to me staying for my school’s teachers’ celebration (though I ran like crazy to Mount Olympus before they even served dessert), and partly out of the fact that I was just so tired of being sad and worried that I basically said: “fuck this shit!”.

This meant that when I got home I spent the rest of the night and part of the dawn reading some awesome new blogs (one of them even managed reconnecting me with my un-finished Proust). I knew I wouldn’t be able to work on Wednesday though, for even as I had the day off, I had to take BF to an eye surgery to prevent glaucoma, which runs in his family, so it was a bold choice for a nerd like me to drop everything knowing I wouldn’t be able to do it later, and to stop thinking about my responsibilities for an entire night**.

My brain thanked me tons, I was mentally exhausted to the point of dreaming every single night about all the things that I need to get done, achieve, manage, etc. This was probably one of the reasons I didn’t want to go to bed in the first place. So instead of sleeping, I got distracted and did A LOT of leisure reading and absent-minded web-surfing until I was too tired to actually comprehend what I was reading. This little stunt, unfortunately, forced me to deal with another thing I hate looking at: my body. Spending a whole night in front of a computer does not seem like a bad idea per se, but if you combine it with having to get up at 6am, being already tired, freaked, and stressed-out, well, what you get is red numbers basically. As of now, all of my physical aches and pains are out and about. There’s not much to do about them except hoping that I eventually forget them all over again.

There is however one issue that is not going away but rather growing incredibly annoying. I mentioned a while ago that I needed to get a surgery on my left hand, but I magically managed to put the issue at the back of my mind, except now it’s unavoidable. I hadn’t even noticed how very limited I’ve been because of the pain, but I can’t even type this post without feeling my index’s tendon is about to snap. Honestly, I can’t even raise the freakin’ finger without being pinched with a sharp pain (try a whole day without lifting your index finger: it’s not possible!) It’s not that I didn’t feel the pain before, I guess I just learned to ignore it and move along. But now that I’m loosing mobility and the pain has grown, I guess I’m willing to walk the green mile… at some point.

(This is the part where I drift on and on about my history with hand problems)

There are actually two different problems with my hand: one is my wrist that’s got an injured ligament that could break, and another are the 2 cysts, maybe more, that are pressing on some tendons and might cut them too. The thing is, this is not the first time I’ve been through this. This is just a lame remake of what happened on my OTHER hand between ’06 and -’08!

I had the exact same injury on my right wrist as well as multiple cysts back in ’06, but something frightened me about being cut open. It was only when I literally couldn’t use my right hand not even to hold things (let alone write) and had to use an immobilizer 24/7 to bare the pain, that I finally agreed to do it… only to find out it didn’t stick the first time ¬¬ My body rejected the staple they used on the ligament and the pain was even worse! I spent yet another hideous year not using my right hand except for the medieval torture PR therapy, until it was clear I had no option but a second round with the scalpel. Finally things did get better…but I wasn’t “discharged” (my doctor’s way of telling me I wouldn’t get any better than this no matter how much I tried) until ’08, that’s 3 years of not using your right hand and being in pain! And still didn’t recover my hand’s health at 100%. I imagine it like a cracked porcelain vase: it was glued back together, but it will never go back to its initial state. I can’t handwrite more than a page, if any at all, before I start aching, can’t type too much either, as I’m now prone to carpel tunnel, so basically I’m fucked.** In fact, I’m double fucked! Because my left hand won’t let me do much typing for long anyways.

(Can resume reading if you skipped the whining paragraph)

Long story short, my brain got a day off but my body took the toll, my “fuck this shit!” attitude lasted for the whole of Tuesday night and into Wednesday’s 5am, when I finally decided some sleep might not be a bad idea.

On the other hand, guess what I found out?!? I did nothing… and still the world didn’t end! The work-not-done police did not come banging at my door nor did I lose that much time. I could finally see there’s no point in carrying the burden of EVERYTHING PENDING, because that’s not gonna get the work done any faster. In fact, I think it may be a thought that makes it harder to finish things. Another pro: I’m so tired right now I don’t think I’m even able to feel sad (yay me?). Though I wonder what it’ll be like once the open classes are done in 2 weeks, will I collapse physically and/or emotionally?

I know I have to hold it together at least ’til the end on June, that’s when my job at Mount Olympus ends (and I might or might not get it back), then the end of the school term comes on the first week of July, and then I get to go to Cabo! So, if my collapsing schedule works, I’ll be crumbling in about 2 months, but by then I’ll be at the beach, the only place in the world that can wash away my tears, and I’ll be there with BF so I know he will catch me if I fall.

P.D.

I know, I know, I too see the irony and for that I decided to make a meme about it:

20130516-152646.jpg

*I totally just made that up

** Not entirely true: I did work on SOME things, but they were very quick and didn’t require much thinking.

***If pushed, I’d be willing to grudgingly accept that if Beethoven managed composing the 9th symphony without hearing, I might be able to stop whining about writing and typing with some pain.

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17 thoughts on “On (not) letting go

  1. Just one foot in front of the other. Sometimes with mental illness, it’s the best you can do. When I’m at the lowest of lows, thinking about anything other than the next minute feels positively overwhelming. Baby steps.

  2. Sorry about your wrists! I’m glad things are winding down and it works well not looking at the big picture and only the next step, it’s helped keep me sane,and it’s what got me through 3 rounds of IVF. Take care of you! xo

  3. Actually you have discovered the technique of “partializing.” 🙂 “Partializing involves developing goals and then breaking them down into general tasks that
    specify explicit actions needed in order to accomplish goals.” It’s a concept that I learned in Social Work school and it has gotten me through many overwhelming periods.

    You can make it one task at a time through the whole thing… And a wonderful carrot at the end can’t hurt!

  4. You will manage all this…even the hand thing (I hope)… I can relate though..I’d try to avoid it too…. But please take care of you xx

    • Thanks Grace. I’m trying to, but at times like this it gets difficult to take care even of the littlest things. I’m going to keep on micro-managing my life though, at least for some weeks, I think that’s the only thing that’ll get me through them. Lots of hugs dear! xx

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